On Wednesday, March 1, The Standard posted, on its Facebook platform, a relationship dilemma from one of its readers.
We have sampled some advice shared by Kenyans, and also an expert’s opinion on how the reader can come out of the confusing situation without doing a de-service to their mental wellness.
Every Wednesday mid-morning, The Standard publishes on its verified Facebook page (Standard Digital) a relationship dilemma sent to us via our Facebook inbox.
If in need of relationship advice – from an expert, or are seeking to get Kenyans’ opinions on a certain confusing relationship situation – send us a message via Facebook, with the title ‘Relationship Advice’, and we will escalate the message to the appropriate respondents.
We guarantee you dignity by hiding details that could lead to your identity being leaked or exposed.
My name is Triza.
I am 26 years old, living and working in Nairobi.
I am dating a 31-year-old man who is serious about our relationship. He has expressed interest in marrying me and has even paid my parents a visit.
Three weekends ago, I joined my two female friends for an out-of-town trip. They were with their boyfriends. There was this guy who was an extra, just like me.
He and I got acquainted with each other, and one thing led to another.
We got intimate that night. Two weeks ago, I discovered I had contracted an STI after visiting the hospital over genital discomfort.
Now, my boyfriend has been pestering me for intimacy, but I've been giving him one excuse after another.
I feel guilty. I don't want to infect him with the STI.
I also feel I should tell him that I breached our relationship, but I fear he might leave me. What should I do?
KENYANS’ SAMPLED ADVICE:
Victor Mc Otieno: Another reason why we will never trust or believe in you women. Just go to hell
Kamasasa Amos Ephraim: The lady has already played the man and yet they haven’t officially moved in. The painful part is that she met a man for the first time, and it went down. Very loose
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Washington Job Owo: Your 2 female friends planned everything. Always remember If you don't know the plan or are not involved in planning, it means you are the plan.
Cosmus Ikinu: I used to fear lion then Samson killed Lion, now I fear what killed Samson
Khajirwa Ambetsa At Anyango: Speak like wife material to your new bae, tell him before we enter into this relationship, do we agree we can have a test!!!! Then if he says yes just let it be the way it will
Kyalo John: This is my advice, dear sister, first ask God for forgiveness and repent your STUPID mistake, secondly, just seek medical attention and get treated, and don't tell your man to find a way to stop him from being intimate for now until you are okay, lastly know what you want in life, if you have found a man who is ready and responsible settle for that, what are looking for in other men outside there, it's normal they will try you but control your feelings, that's why God gave you mind, so please make use of it.
Paul Kahenya Mirara: The 31-year-old guy is serious about you but you are not serious about him even your girlfriends know you are not serious that’s why they brought an extra for the trip. so wake up and smell the cake stop stringing the guy, 31, along and you are clearly not ready for a relationship with him. break up with him, and allow him to get someone who is willing and ready...you will save yourself and him a lot of future heartache and pain
Tom M Josiah: Still stuck at got intimate that same night… random stranger, one-night stand, no protection... Boom! I think you are not serious with the 31-year-old, what I know about women from the little experience I have is once a woman's mind is fixed on a particular man, whether real or just crushing on them, she can't be easily swayed by another Man even on an out of town trip as an extra., Looks like you were even aware of the "extra" arrangement...
Levi K Simus: My advice is that if you are still on the street don't waste someone's time, continue sleeping around, and when you are done reach out to any willing person.
G Kon Kenya: Just tell him what happened he will forgive you. Truth always removes the guilt.
Dr. Karatu Kiemo is a sociologist and lecturer at the University of Nairobi.
Hello Triza, there is wisdom in telling the truth especially when your thoughts are persuading you to do so. Failing, to tell the truth might cause you psychological pain.
Conversely, a lot of people, perhaps including yourself, lead a life with a few secrets.
Certainly, secrecy has some value. It's important to note that telling unpleasant truths has consequences. Your boyfriend could leave you, and even if he doesn't, he may never forgive or trust you. This will of course make an unpleasant relationship.
In another scenario, he could turn violent with unpleasant existential consequences for you and legal consequences for him. So, if you think he will accept your apology and treat you normally, go ahead and tell the truth. If, however, you think that telling the truth will cause more harm than good, do not do it.
If you choose not to tell the truth and feel guilty about it, then leave the relationship. When you gave in to a third-party intimacy, you were selfish. It is possible to use the broken relationship as your lesson and it could serve as a basis for a better relationship with someone else.
Finally, how come either a female or male condom means nothing to you at this time? I hope that your test for STIs included HIV and sexually transmitted hepatitis versions.
At 26 years of age, your recklessness is hard to accept. For the sake of your life and the lives of others including the unborn, do a thorough medical test and follow through with appropriate actions. That is if the infected get treated. And if lucky, please learn.