1. The flirtatious chats

If your spouse is flirting with one or more people, he/she will be very defensive with the phone hoping not to be caught. Your spouse will spend a long time on the phone, hiding the screen from you and going everywhere with the phone. Some delete flirtatious chats but others find the chats too special to delete. Flirting with others only destructs you from your marriage and waists time.

2. The nudes
Some are exchanging nudes or being sent for nudes. Nudes are exclusive, they rarely come by and so if your spouse has them from other people, he/she will hold them dear and guard the phone. Nudes get sent to excite, for the purpose of masturbation or to present a case why two people should meet to have sex. Your spouse knows this is wrong, hence the heavy security settings on the phone. Why drool over nudes from others yet you have your spouse nakedness?

3. The mobile money transactions
With mobile money transactions, you can know who your spouse is sending money to, who is sending your spouse money, where your spouse has been, how many things your spouse is hiding from you, how your spouse is supporting his/her parents and ignoring yours, and your spouse's spending habits. In fact, one of the easiest ways of knowing your spouse is having an affair, follow the money.

4. The secrets
Maybe your spouse has a child out there he/she is supporting and you don't know. Maybe your spouse has a sickness you know nothing about. Maybe your spouse has some shady deals you are not aware of... All this is happening through the phone and could be the reason why your spouse is not allowing you access to the phone in case you find out. Learn to make your spouse feel safe to open up to you.

5. Your shady behaviour
Perhaps your spouse doesn't trust you with his/her phone. If you had access to the phone, you will snoop, block people on the contacts, deactivate accounts, send shady messages to people on the contacts and abuse the contacts. Even if you are uncomfortable with something, don't micromanage your spouse.

6. The pornographic content
The phone is a bank for so many, storing lots of pornographic data. Many don't want their spouse to know that they watch porn so they keep the phone under lock and key, failing to realise that the images and videos stored are slowly feeding a habit that is killing their marriage and their intimacy.

7. Your over reaction
Perhaps you have demonstrated that you magnify issues. You will see a friendly message on your spouse's phone and blow things out of proportion accusing your spouse of cheating yet your spouse gave a reply to the message that honours you. Your spouse feels like your unfounded insecurities push him/her to the edge and thinks hiding the phone from you is protecting delicate you and this does more harm. If you want your spouse to be free with you, relax, be secure. If you see something that doesn't sit right with you, peacefully say "Honey, I think this message from your friend is kind of inappropriate."

8. The mobile loan apps
Lots of people are taking loans without their spouse's knowledge, some feel they have to do so because they have a spouse and a family that wants a good life without asking where money is coming from. Some do so because of pressing needs, perhaps a parent needs help but the spouse won't understand, some to finance their betting or wasteful habits, some to finance an affair, others it is to keep up with a fake life beyond their means. Learn to be real with each other about finances to escape surprises.

9. Your stealing ways
Maybe you are the kind of spouse who goes to your spouse's phone to send yourself money from your spouse's account without asking. This makes your spouse see you as a thief and makes him/her see the need of denying you access to the phone. If you want money, ask your spouse. You may steal today but ruin trust for good.

10. The affair
If there is an affair going on, the phone will have maximum security and unfortunately your spouse will protect the phone more than he/she protects you and the marriage.

11. The call log
The spouse does not want you to know who they call, perhaps they call their lover, an ex, a partner of a business you don't know your spouse has, a detective your spouse has hired to track you, a seller from whom your spouse is buying property you have no idea of. Living a life of secrecy drains so much energy.

12. The location
Your spouse doesn't want you to track him/her so your spouse will not allow you to know his coordinates, especially when he/she is doing things behind your back.

13. The search history
If your spouse is searching things that will not please you such as porn, an ex, video vixens, health information; then your spouse will deny you access to know this. Why hide history that is destroying your future together?

14. The dishonourable groups
There are many dishonourable groups on Facebook, WhatsApp, Telegram, Tinder and other social media platforms that married people should not be a part of. If your spouse is in such Groups to misbehave, his/her phone will be out of reach for you. Why participate in Groups that incite you to ruin the marriage you have?

These are some of the reasons why some people are so defensive with their phones to the point that they can share with their spouse sexual experiences, children, a home, a future, a bed; but the phone is not to be touched. Remember, be smart with your smart phone. That small gadget you are protecting with your life can be the reason why your marriage dies.

© Akello Oliech and Dayan Masinde

In my book, MANHOOD SERIES, I walk with men through the journey of understanding themselves and their woman.

In my other book, WOMANHOOD SERIES, I walk with women through the journey of self-discovery

To purchase the MANHOOD SERIES written by Dayan Masinde, MPESA Ksh. 200 to 0721590954, then text the word MAN and your email address to the same number and the book will be sent to your email address for you to download and read on your phone or computer.

To purchase the WOMANHOOD SERIES written by Dayan Masinde, MPESA Ksh. 200 to 0721590954, then text the word WOMAN and your email address to the same number and the book will be sent to your email address for you to download and read on your phone or computer

The Standard
If your spouse is flirting with one or more people, he/she will be very defensive with the phone hoping not to be caught