Six simple gifts that will definitely turn him on this Christmas

I was at a pub and restaurant in town, and witnessed a very strange sight. Two couples, who seemed to be on a double date, were sitting around a table for four.

At some point, the DJ made an announcement about a lady, let us call her Sharleen, getting an early Christmas gift. A waiter dressed in red then marched in with a red gift-wrapped box which Sharleen opened excitedly, as she gave loving looks at her boyfriend. Let’s call him Lucifer.

Then she pulled out the present from silky wrappings, and it was a ... chapo! I swear it, this idiot Lucifer, drinking his Hennessey and Glenfiddich with these chicks, all of them looking about thirty-something, had gone to all this trouble in an up-market lounge to pull off the most boyish, silly prank.

As him and his mate laughed and high-fived each other, Sharleen sat there holding up the chapatti, her mouth bared in a rictus grin but her eyes burning with anger and embarrassment as the other lady on the table looked downcast and distressed, feeling deep agony for her humiliated friend.

Gentlemen, unless you are ten or eleven, such kiddish jokes are not funny at all.

Shocked Sharleen put down the chapo, picked her phone, scrolled through it, made a call then abruptly left (maybe it was cab she had called) leaving a puzzled looking Lucifer at the table, with all his whiskies.

Anyway, this is not just to sound warnings to men on how not to upset their woman with juvenile behaviour, but also to let the ladies know what and where they can get their men underwear for Christmas.

‘Sandstorm’ bags, whether for the office or for the outdoors, are the ultimate accessory for your sultan, and make for practical gifts. I spoke to a buddy called Andrew Kobia -- send hints the lady way, and if your purse is nice, just pass by Yaya, Sarit or Westgate malls and get a Sandstorm for mister.

Timepieces, as opposed to just watches, are also excellent presents. A great watch on the wrist is also likely to make your man remember he needs to go home to the good woman who gifted him.

Then there is the power of a good cologne. Forget what he likes. Give him the scent you want him to smell of. Soon, he will be using just that musk.

A Sir Henry shirt, suit and tie, especially when they have offers, is also a great gift. Throw in a nice pair of shoes, and lots of socks, and he will kiss the ground you walk on for making him look good.

For an inexpensive yet happy and memorable moment this Christmas, I know movie places like IMAX in the CBD and Anga Sky will be offering something extra special on top of their usual ‘Couple Day,’ and at a fair rate, complete with wine and dinner.

But a happy home where your man feels like a king in his castle, all year round, makes for the best moments. Learn to massage him the minute he walks through the door, cook his favourite meal, be exotic in the sack...who am I kidding? Life is not a fantasy of Fatimaimuna wa Mombasa. Let’s stay real.

The thing is, though, if your man is a Wanga from that village of wakina Itindi, and you gift-wrap him a ‘chapo,’ he’ll be over the moon. If you add a bouquet of spinach to go with the chapati, he’ll sing you ‘mwana mberi kusi korera.’

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