Forgive and forget, for your own sake

Forgiving is easy, but forgetting the hurt is a nightmare for many of us. But the inability to move on after hurt so often weighs down our relationships, writes ANTHONY KAGIRI

Due to our nature, we feel it is justifiable to hold onto hurt convincing ourselves that by doing so, we are punishing the person who hurt us. But this is not the case.

In some instances, those who offended us either have no idea they hurt us or have moved on.

When we forgive, we let off the bitterness and heaviness that weighs us down in the inside. This way, we relate better with our spouses. When you look at forgiveness this way, you realise it is more beneficial to you than the person who hurt you.

Learn to forgive your spouse as many times as they offend you. This is critical if you wish to be fulfilled in your relationship. Forgiveness becomes easier when we separate the wrong from the person we love. Although it is tempting to think that they are as bad as the mistake they did, the reality is that you married him/her because you were convinced he/she is a good person. Keep that at the back of your mind to help you forgive faster.

keeping a record

Human beings are tempted to forgive but keep a record of the wrongs. But, it is good to persuade ourselves to forget a hurt and move on to stop that memory from taking away our joy.

Whereas many people tell me it is hard to forget, when you look at what constant remembering of a past hurt does to our inner self, then it is worth all effort to frogive.

When a lover hurts us, we are often tempted to remind them of a past fault in an attempt to either make them feel guiltier or to justify our rage. But this does more harm than good. When you keep reminding your spouse past mistakes, it drains the energy in them and they can’t get past their mistakes.

Constant reminding of one’s faults can make him/her believe he/she is incapable of doing good. If this desperation creeps into your spouse, he/she loses hope in making you happy and often, they continue hurting you.

A constant reminder is also an indication that the forgiveness you extended to them was not genuine.

forestalling conflict

At times we fail to forget a fault because we keep connecting one conflict to another. Some of us sweep a number of conflicts under the carpet and remove all of them at a go. This makes it hard to reconcile. Dealing with one issue at a time eases the pressure of the hurt and makes it easier to reconcile.

Dealing with a conflict as soon as it happens could also help forestall future conflict. By expressing our feelings, we help our spouses appreciate what offends us and this is likely to help them treat us better in the future.