Early in the week, Asbel Kiprop, renowned 1500m runner was trending on Twitter. The reason for his fame - he took a video of himself and if the grapevine is to be believed - he was in the company of the wife of his pacesetter friend.
From the look of things, Asbel is an amateur when it comes to taking his own videos - his selected angle seemed to make his face appear larger than in real life and the lady in question did not seem to be doing anything juicy save for appearing half-dazed while wearing a rather terrible looking bra (women need to always wear the right bra - you never know when it will end up on camera).
What caught my interest is somewhere at the end of the video. Asbel attempts to kiss his darling and what follows can only be described as crime against humanity. Even with the bad camera angle, that kiss was more like a mauling exercise and I would not have been horrified if the lady’s mandibles had come undone. This has me thinking about this kissing business. Many women will testify that most men this part of the world are challenged when it comes to mastering the art of kissing.
To begin with, most men do not take care of their tools of kissing - their lips and mouth area. On many occasions, men’s’ lips are usually in a horrible state; dry and ashy and primed to cause damage to innocent tender female lips.
This is because some men like to claim that African men are not expected to adopt certain habits such as moisturising their lips. It is however interesting that these same men are keen to appear with it when it comes to adopting the Western habit of kissing. Dry ashy lips are a disaster especially when they belong to an African man because fuller lips means a larger surface area to cause trouble with. As if this were not bad enough, most men are known to get amorous after consuming their fair share of choma and beer.
This has the effect of making kissing a rather stinky business because somehow the pungent smell of kachumbari is not very attractive. It would help if the said men kept some mouthwash and gum on the ready so that when the moment arrives they do not cause their partners to gag from the noxious fumes.
Many men have come to accept that kissing is a necessary part of the seduction game – so much so that they have watched numerous movies in the hope of acquiring useful skills to deploy on the female species. However, many have not quite familiarised themselves with the nuances of kissing and therefore tend to approach kissing as if it were combat (Asbel comes to mind).
When I say pounce, I mean that these men pounce on women’s’ lips and make a go for what they consider to be the sweet spots, namely the tongue. Some have been led to believe that playing a fair amount of tongue tennis is bound to make a woman weak with desire.
Only that for them, tongue tennis is never gentle, it usually is a session that feels more like a tongue and tonsil extraction process. These men literally go for the jugular, causing pain and suffering to women whose only crime was looking for some tender love and care.
In the bad kissing group, you also have the droolers, those who mysteriously produce copious amounts of saliva in the heat of passion. This saliva overload has been known to damage fabrics, wear out skin because it comes laden with other harmful substances like booze and kachumbari. Droolers should invest in bibs and other garments that can perhaps help soak away the over wet kisses.
As stated earlier, men have had to accept that kissing is a necessary pathway to love. So, some have also learnt that there are other body parts that are erogenous and which when pressed can speed up arrival to the pleasure destination. The only downside is that some of these body parts are somewhat delicate and so they do not take kindly to the force and pressure that comes their way.
Take the ears for example, yes kissing them can create tremors of pleasure. However, you have many misguided men who have caused irreparable damage to women’s’ hearing as they ‘kiss and nibble’ on the ears. When such men are let loose to familiarise themselves with body parts such as nipples and the pleasure triangle then it becomes a full bloodbath. There are many women who to date bear the internal and external scars of overzealous and badly executed kissing.
Yet despite all of this, women like to be kissed and to be kissed well. Men should therefore invest some time and resources in learning how to kiss - Mr Google can help with a few tricks. At the end of the day, a special place is reserved in hell for those men who do not make the effort to kiss and touch the right way. As for Asbel, his kissing really does need help.