Your step child is here to stay, treat her right

Last week I came across a rather peculiar obituary in the papers. What was peculiar about the funeral announcement was how it classified the children sired by the departed. I cannot claim to know the family intimately but I can hazard a guess that the children born within the hallowed grounds of marriage were placed in Tier 1 while those born outside these grounds were classified as belonging to the 'others' Tier.

This ‘others’ classification points to what must have been arrived at as an acceptable middle ground in dealing with stepchildren - who are also commonly referred to as outgrowers.

In my view, wives (and the resultant fear of wives’ reaction) are the main reasons for the poor treatment of stepchildren. Many wives go to rather extreme and bizarre lengths to erase all evidence of stepchildren, often forgetting that DNA never lies and never goes away. So here are a few pointers for women who find themselves dealing with matters of stepchildren.

Firstly, all women need to come to terms with the fact that all males (even of the human species) come into this world to procreate as widely and as frequently as possible. It is true that humans beings might have over time tempered these habits with religion and culture but, I tell, all men given a chance would make as many babies as possible. Women therefore need to understand that any man who fires viable seed from the comfort of the marital bed can do the same from any other bed or space that provides him the opportunity.

As we know, when it comes to matters lust, men are not that choosy so that means that they can have the fruit of their loins scattered across social strata and geographical zones. Once a woman accepts that her man is not a saint and is wired to spread his seed, then she can at least open her eyes to the reality of stepchildren.

Second step for women is to ensure that they include stepchildren in the due diligence searches that come before commitment or marriage. This involves investing a fair amount of time and resources in (a) asking the said fellow if he has any progeny out there (he might deny this), (b) posing this question to his friends and family (there is bound to be one loony relative who might spill the beans and, finally, (c) hiring some professional investigator to run checks through the man’s history. Women need to pay special attention to those whispered conversations about house girl pregnancies, or high school and university dalliances since those are usually the most common source of stepchildren.

If these searches provide evidence of the existence of an outgrower, then the woman has to take quick action in deciding what to do. Some women throw tantrums, with some leaving their marital home because they feel humiliated and disgusted by the thought that their husband has another child out there.

They forget that the existence of another child out there is not a reflection on them; rather, it just shows that their partner has had unprotected sex with other women outside the marriage.

In my view, tantrums and drama are unnecessary and shortsighted because they do not in any way erase the irrefutable fact that there exists another child out there who shares the same genetic profile as your husband and your children.

The most logical thing to do is to determine the best way to co-exist with the said child (and the mother) while protecting the interests of your child. Some wives make wise and unemotional decisions, where they decide to mainstream these children by demanding that their fathers provide for their children and by incorporating them in family activities.

These women also find a way of managing the mothers of the stepchildren to ensure that they do not encroach on family rights or get carried away into making even more stepchildren. The rather emotional ones bury their heads in the sand and pretend these children do not exist, until burial day when the children demand their rightful recognition in the burial and in inheritance.

There are some men who choose to take the higher moral path by acknowledging the existence of stepchildren and by taking some responsibility for introductions and support. However, most men opt for the coward’s way out by remaining mute in life and paving way for full-blown drama when they die.

Men who want to secure their legacies must have a clear plan on how to deal with their stepchildren, and wives who want to secure their families must confront the issue with maturity and wisdom. Drama and hysterics will not make the stepchildren go away.

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