Days on which you can't get married

Dear Tony,

Wait a minute, how can I even call you dear? Let me rephrase; Omera Tony, how can you even imagine that I can choose to get married on Valentine’s Day?

‘Reke ngwire mani’, never ever! Every day set aside for a special occasion is meant for that occasion.

Why on Earth should I hijack it for my other special occasion? It’s like reducing the number of gifts in my life! I am a woman for crying out loud! Every gift counts!

When it’s Valentine’s Day, I expect a Valentine’s gift, not a wedding anniversary gift or a combined gift for two occasions!

Better still, what exactly will I be celebrating every year on February 14? Valentine’s or my wedding anniversary? What words will be on my cake? Happy Valeversary?

Have I ever told you that I once was a bride-to-be? Guess what, my wedding had been scheduled for October 22, my birthday! It fell on a Saturday that year, a perfect month for a wedding.

The first time I told my sister Linda about my wedding date, she went like “Beryl, on your birthday? You will regret” I just looked at her and thought, this one is not digital! I was so psyched for my day that no one was going to make me rethink the date!

Now, I think I would have been cutting a cake with the words ‘Happy Birtheversary’ every October 22! Tufiakwa!

As the month grew closer, my groom-to-be grew distant and my heart grew weaker! The bright sun I had imagined shining on that day became a mean looking moon and, like I read somewhere this week, the thunder that was supposed to strike me was still doing press ups!

I put on my sports shoes and took off! Maybe I looked back once or twice, ok, I am lying, I looked back more than a 100 times and was tempted to engage the reverse gear!

But those I left behind placed spikes on the road forcing me to stop! That marked the end of the name I had acquired for a few months, ‘Bride-to-be’. In came a name I thought I would never have again, ‘Ex’.

Now Tony, don’t you think me scheduling my wedding on my birthday was sign enough that I was headed for doom?

Catch me dead combining two functions! I will not even risk conceiving on a special day, ask my Valentine, he will tell you how that went down! Damn!

In my next life, I will not buy a couch for my living room, I hate how it turns into a bed when that smelly stuff hits the fan!

About marriage, I have seen and heard it all. Someone once said marriage is the only institution where you get a certificate before you even start the course! If you are unlucky enough to finish the course when both parties are alive, you are issued with another certificate!

Tony, my prayer is that I only receive one certificate; I am not setting foot in a divorce court!

Ours will be ‘Till death do us part’ for real. I will wed on a  random day, like February 29.

Yours,

Former and future-bride-to-be,

Beryl Itindi