Shocking reasons why the end time is here

I am here to tell you today that the world is coming to an end. Before you give me that look, no, Jesus did not reveal this to me in a prophetic dream where I saw angels coming from heaven in magical light! Why is the world coming to an end? Well, I will give you a few valid, practical reasons.

1.The new gang in town

  There is a new gang in town, wait what is the name again? Wakali? I mean gone are the days when gangs needed scary names like'Mungiki'. Now they call themselves wakali and they go around suckling women's breasts. Really Wakali? You are going to go down in history as the gang that was made up of adolescent, hormonal little things? And when I say little, yes I mean little-little. You dig? I mean is it really that cold in Mombasa? Has the dry spell hit you that hard? Gone are the good old fashion days when gangs would take your possessions and money, now they just want to touch boob. But what is life though?

2.Lukelema for Nyukuri

Nyukuri was a happy lad married to a beautiful wife. In their small village, lived an old  granny that was Nyukuri's mothers best friend in Kindergarten.One day Nyukuri saw the granny and it was love at first Lukelema. Nyukuri tried so hard to wean of the lukelema but he just couldn't have enough. The lukelema made him dig sweet old granny-literally. The villagers of Bungoma found out about this abomination that would bring dry-spells and threatened to end Nyukuri's life us he just kept on going back for more. In the end, Nyukuri who could not understand why he wanted granny's honeypot so bad decided that enough was enough- he would marry her! And he did! Now the whole village is doomed! Dry spells in July because the gods are not happy!

3.We might get Trumped!

Okay, so it is official that Donald Trump is running for president. Now, I am Kenyan born in Kiambu, so you know whatever happens to America after Obama is gone is none of my business but that doesn't mean that I don't want to fly there and stalk Chris Brown! I mean Trump listen (He'll probably never see this, but a girl can try) I have been working on my stalker game for Chris Brown since I was 13 years old. Why you got to Trump me man? What did Kenya ever do to you except be awesome and prettier in ways even Melanie will never understand? If America votes in Trump, lets face it people we are never going to live the American dream but all black people will be deported and who knows Chris Brown may be Kenyan?

 4.The Christ-asses

I have been brought up in a very religious home for a major part of my life and I have been taught to respect and fear the good Lord and I do.It breaks my heart each time I see people out here trying to mock our good Lord. I was taught that judgment comes from the good Lord alone but in the name of religion how many hate crimes are committed? In the name of religion, how many people are deceived into planting 'seeds' that ultimately see the 'shepherds' buy range rovers and move from their one bedrooms to lavish areas that their 'sheep' will never graze in? When did people stop believing in God and started believing in religion? God is not a religion and religion is not God. So, no I will not touch my TV screen and send you my money just to get a 'blessing'. You are getting me broke! We want to lame the devil for so many things that happen but in real sense, the devil is just a gatekeeper to the gates of torment that await you because of the choices that you made. If the bile is anything to go by, the fruit Eve ate ultimately made them aware of what is good and bad. So, no demons did not make those children burn down their school  or Kanyari rob naive, innocent Kenyans, their choices did. Don't be a Christi-ass!

There you have it folks, because of the Wakali,Lukelema,Trumped, and Christi-ass society we are living in, we will wake up one day and find that Mars has taken over the world!The aliens are getting impatient! Seriously.