Ted Talk: Nairobi winter is killing me but wife has refused with the jiko

 Join either the Akorino or Roho Israeli sects. Jumping in their keshas all night will warm your chilled bones and take you to heaven as a bonus- Uncle Ted

Uncle Ted,

My wife stopped exciting me, so we rarely get intimate. We can go for as long as six months without doing anything. I have a girlfriend, but unfortunately, she gave birth two weeks ago. Recently, I tried getting intimate with my wife because of the cold weather and she told me to go to hell. What should I do?

Joram

Bwana Joram,

I have a sneaking feeling that your wife suspects or knows you have been lighting another woman’s oven. Knowing women, she is not too excited about you bringing bacteria from ‘I don’t know where’ into her marital bed.

There is also the likelihood that when you took a sabbatical from your conjugal duties, she got herself a helper who is strumming her guitar way better than you ever did. I would have suggested that you try Koinange Street, but going by the cold temperatures in Nairobi, you might have to stuff whatever you collect into a hot jiko first, lest your promulgation instrument freezes into a block of ice.

I would, therefore, strongly advice that you join either the Akorino or Roho Israeli sects. Jumping in their keshas all night will warm your chilled bones and take you to heaven as a bonus.