When strange widows and children pop out at a big man’s funeral

Last week we attended the funeral of a workmate which was remarkable in its absence of drama. We prayed and sang, beautiful speeches were made and the sermon was relevant and moving.

People remembered the deceased with fondness and respect, and his widow and children were assured of everyone's love and support. No one said anything inappropriate, talked too long or embarrassed themselves. It was a fitting send off.

I was surprised because sometimes when a wealthy Ugandan man dies suddenly, the widow must attend his funeral with one eye constantly open.

The thing is, until the body is well and truly cemented into the ground, you never know how many widows or extra-marital children will pop out of the woodwork.

You cannot also be sure what your husband's relatives are planning in regard to 'his' property. About this time last year, another workmate passed on, leaving behind five 'widows', each with two to three children.

And all the widows appealed to the company not to forget them and their children. Our General Manager at the time, a European unaccustomed to these things, became more and more perplexed with the introduction of each widow.

He kept asking if he had understood the word 'widow' correctly. The men in our entourage laughed off his confusion, and assured him that after he had settled down properly in Africa, they would find him a nice piece of land and a Ugandan wife.

And therein lies the problem. People behave as if this is normal and acceptable. That in the midst of your grief and confusion, you should have evidence of your late husband's infidelities thrust upon you. And you must remain calm and participate in the discussions as to the fate of these women and children who have intruded upon your existence.

And some of these usurpers are crafty – they will not only invade your mental peace, but also your finances. They can even align themselves with one of your late husband's relatives to support their claims to your property. It seems it is acceptable to wreck so many lives at a go, but it is taboo to discuss writing a will.

People say you're being morbid and disrespectful. There should be a law that bans people from turning up at funerals as last minute widows and children. Death comes to us all, and you are a fool if you do not prepare for the eventuality.

You're even more of a fool if you have hidden families to cater for. If you think it's your right to have a side dish, then be man enough to do it publicly. No one can serve themselves in hiding at a buffet.

Pile on all the 'side dishes' you want in full view of everyone, and then deal with the consequences while you are still breathing. Similarly, if you are going to be a career 'side dish' with children, then do what it takes to protect those children.

I do not have much sympathy for women who choose to be 'side dishes', but think about the innocent children. The turning point in the lives of too many African children is that moment at a graveside when they are introduced to a father who will never be in their lives. Don't let those bewildered children be yours.

To those with their hands in numerous cookie jars, as well as to those of us who do not suffer from the illness of promiscuity, please prepare yourself for the inevitable. It is never too soon to put in writing or let people know what your wishes would be in the event that you were suddenly taken.