After two years, he says he was married all along

I have been dating this man for two years and I recently found out that I am 12 weeks pregnant. When I broke the news to him, he changed all of a sudden and has since become a totally different person. He told me that he is married and had only separated with his wife when we met. This had never come up before. He keeps telling me he is a Christian and that they had a church wedding that cannot allow for him to have another wife. I am still under the care of my parents and don't know what to do with the baby because I also need a life. I want to get married and have a family of my own. I don't know how this will go because I see the way single women with children struggle to find a man who will love them as they are. I love him dearly but I don't know what to do now. Please advise me. {Nancy}

Your Take:

Nancy, I can tell that you are in love with him but it is clear he isn’t ready to settle down with you. To him, you were just a side girl and you getting pregnant was not in his plans. However, the baby you are carrying needs you more than you need him.

 I know the pain of bringing up a child as if he doesn’t have a father yet he is alive. You need to collect yourself and be strong. He might change his mind someday. Do not pressure him with this issue and with time he will come back to his senses.

{Fred Jausenge}

The right thing to do is to move away quietly but his wife needs to know the truth. He wasted your time and soon you will bear him a child. The law will compel him to support the child and I assure you that there are men who don’t mind marrying a woman who already has a child.

{Andrew Didy Chaplin}

At your age, you should not despair because even if he rejects you, you will find another man. Remember, abortion today will deny you a child tomorrow and there is always a way out of everything. Your parents may actually be very supportive of you but you will need to really take care of yourself from now to avoid other pregnancies in future. A more responsible man is patiently waiting for you.

{Ouma Ragumo}

It is just funny to befriend a man for two years without knowing his true background or picture. You may be one among the many girlfriends he has. Do not think of aborting the child that is innocent in all this. If he refuses, you could seek legal redress for him to maintain the child. You are not alone in this.

{Onyango Outha}

You are pregnant and he has decided to leave you for his wife. Next time you should be more careful with men. Carry the pregnancy to the end, deliver the angel and learn to take care of your child. Who tells you that married women have it rosy? You can still find a man who will love you for you. There are many women out there who are in worse situations.

{Tasma Saka}

Counsellor’s take:

Nancy, your situation is as complex as it is unfortunate. You got involved with a man who had a wife and is only choosing to bring this out now that you are pregnant with his child. If this is a true reflection of the situation then your conscience should be clear. However, you still need to find a way of dealing with this.

I understand when you say that you still love him dearly but wonder how this can be sustained given his drastic change in character and behavior. From your words, he seems to be putting it in black and white that he wants nothing to do with you.

 In other words, he was out for a good time with you and nothing more. It may be time to count your losses and strategize on the way forward. However, he should not get off the hook that easy.

 If anything you may as well let the cat out of the bag if he continues behaving as if you got yourself pregnant. In the least, he should offer and provide some kind of support to help you take care of the baby otherwise you may also make his life as difficult as he is trying to make yours.

I am however, concerned about your perception in which you seem to think that a baby is a burden and hindrance to you having a fulfilling marriage.

This life is as strange as it has many possibilities. You know many men are often quick to say that marrying a woman who has children from another man child is out of the question, many of them actually go ahead and marry such women if they find true love.

It is never easy and it may be slightly harder for you than it may be for a lady without a child but it is certainly not impossible. You can still have a good life if you look and work hard enough.

Another situation you may need to think about your living arrangement. If you are still living with your parents then you ought to consider telling them about this early.

This does not necessarily mean that you will have to move out. Good parents would be most certainly disappointed by this but they would get over it and support you through this. Life has not come to an end for you, as a matter of fact it is just beginning. {Taurus}