Ladies,please desist from being so fake!

My fellow women, who else feels like we were shortchanged in life? My oooh my! Am I the only one who longs for that hour when I can finally unhook my bra, sigh in relief and throw it very far away from me? The things we do to remain relevant in this society are way too tiresome!

Why should we be the ones to balance our bodies on heels all through the day? God, why should we be the ones to limit our food intake because the corset beneath will not allow us to swallow past the seventh spoon?

As if that is not enough, someone decided to wake up one day and pump into our already full heads the importance of walking with a water bottle filled with warm water and pieces of lemon.

There is a very special place in the hottest part of hell for whoever came up with make-up. Make-up to conceal even birth marks just to please the opposite gender.

 The woman in me is tired, tired of being my own slave. With heels tight on my feet, a corset tight on my tummy, a push-up bra even tighter on my chest and huge Ghanaian lines sewn tight on my head, I have totally lost my freedom.

Those huge Ghanaian lines that we have to slap anytime we itch because we do not want to look like something a cat has just brought in. Then the devil dragged in the butt lifts! Dear Jesus, where did we ever go wrong?

Before, we used to dread walking in heels and breathing in corsets and we could not wait for that moment that we would take a seat and relax our bodies. Now that comfort is all washed down the drain. Washed down the drain all the way to Mississippi where we cannot access it. All of a sudden sitting down has become hell, worse than an injection in the spinal cord.

Imagine sitting on things that are supposedly 'lifted' firmly. It's like sitting on a balloon that will never burst thus just forcing your butt to take an unwanted shape. No wonder when we rise from our seats, one butt becomes a rugby ball while the other a tennis ball. Then one leg behaves like Collins Injera and the other like Serena Williams, still, balancing on our heels sipping lemon flavoured water!

The people who shape our eyebrows do not make it any easier for us by literally chopping off the tiny hair strands that grow in the name of eyebrows. By the time they are done with our eyes, we look 'surprised' for a very long time. Surprised to the extent that when we actually get surprised, we look horrified and someone could be tempted to call an ambulance.

While undergoing all this, we are expected to maintain that smile all through the day and 'act like a lady'. One day, I say one day, we will all collapse right before your eyes and you will not know which part to rescue. Dear men, please deliver us from this slavery that you have sent us into. What happened to appreciating the real us?

Why are you placing the bar too high for the normal human body? Would you wish to see us dead? Dead from suffocation? You cannot be drinking and eating all you want through the day while we struggle to create space in our tight tummies for the bitter lemon flavoured water that we are sipping. You cannot raise the bar to heels while you walk the path in flat comfortable shoes.

I am tired! Tired of hating on my wonder bra and butt lifts. I am tired of slapping my head when it's itching instead of just scratching it. That tight corset makes me walk like a voter who has been forced to walk to a voting station 15km away to vote for a loser.

As I sit in the office writing this, I cannot help but wish the trumpets would just sound, the heavens open and we see the Son of Man descending because for sure, this world has refused to be my home!