Simple steps to put the spark back into your love life this Valentine's

There was a time when you couldn’t keep your hands off each other, and sex five times a week was the norm.

But 10 years down the line, perhaps with a couple of kids in tow, stressful jobs and money worries thrown in, sex five times a year might be as good as it gets.

The days when you were whispering sweet nothings and ripping each other’s clothes off are long gone, and now you’re more likely to spend your evenings on the sofa watching Corrie while your other half checks the footie scores on twitter.

You haven’t fallen out of love , and you’re still each other’s favourite person in the world, but you’re not exactly 50 Shades of Grey either.

Here are her top tips for relighting the fire in your love life.

Don’t panic: it’s normal for passion to wane

When you’re in the honeymoon phase, packed with hot sexual chemistry, couples are very focussed on each other.

You’re not just finding out about each other, but there is actual sexual chemistry there too.

The bonding hormone oxytocin tends to peak in that first year, but it naturally starts to diminish, which means the actual sexual chemistry you feel - the stuff that feels like the spark - changes over time.

Add to that, the fact that once you have some stability you start to take it for granted that your partner will stick with you because you’ve survived hurdles and stuck together.

If you recognize it’s a totally natural thing, you will take some of the worry out of it.

Make your lover feel fantastic

In your first couple of years together you wear your best clothes, you maintain everything from your hairstyle to your pubic hair.

Everything gets the attention required to attract your lover - and to keep them keen.

As time rolls on, when babies arrive and work pressures build up, the energy you once had for looking your hottest can naturally take a slide, and with that, confidence.

This is when you need to step in and help each other. Be loving and reassuring. But take the pressure off one another too. If one of you is working harder than usual, or you’ve got a baby who just won’t sleep, share the burden.

Supporting one another, and making sure your other half isn’t constantly knackered, can be the first step to boosting confidence.

Turn off technology

Social networking has a lot to answer for. When you got together all those years ago, you certainly weren’t lying in bed with your phone in hand, which more and more of us are doing these days.

And inevitably, as one study found, giving up snogs and cuddles for a Facebook fix is eating into vital relationship time.

Just turn it off. FOMO, or fear of missing out, is something most of us hadn’t even heard of two years ago. But now we’re keeping an eye on everyone else’s virtual lives, and missing out on our own real lives.

You’re busy reading about someone else’s amazing love life, and their 10th orgasm of the week rather than enjoying your own relationship - and your own orgasm.

Fall in love all over again

It might not sound romantic, but the wise couple plan spontaneity. Plot it out in your diary. Why not say, on that Sunday I am going to surprise them with their favourite box of chocolates, that Saturday I am going to whisk them off for a surprise dinner – even it is just fish and chips because you are on a budget.

That Thursday I am going to send them a sexy, flirty text.

I tell people who are short on time to diarise their spontaneity because that’s the only way you’re going to pull it off. Even little surprises, stick them in your diary.

Have fun together

If there is something that you both love doing that you gave up when you had children, then try that again. Maybe you met at salsa dancing 10 years ago, or your first date was in a Chinese restaurant. Use that as inspiration and plan an amazing date night.

Ideally you should have a date night at least every fortnight. Even if means gran and grandad taking the kids off your hands so you can have a candlelit dinner at home, or a Sunday afternoon walk in the park, just the two of you. This time to focus on each other is essential.

Remember every day why you fell in love

We can all look at our partners in frustration. Make it a daily practice to focus on the three things we fell in love with.

With all the stresses in life those things go very quickly, and after 20 years together people can turn around and wonder, why did I even fall in love with this person? What did I see in them? But it’s easy to remember when you take the time.

Use it or lose it

If you don’t have sex fairly regularly then you do lose the drive to do it at all.

And remember, it doesn’t have to be full se. You can have fun foreplay. Just lie down, caress each other, maybe experiment, buy some fun sex toys.

You can even just take full sex off the menu and if full sex happens then great. But for couples who have really grown apart sexually, you really have to put the emphasis on foreplay.

Have a little massage time, caressing, maybe caressing each other with a vibrator. Vibrators aren’t just for full sex, vibrators are fantastic body massagers and there is a whole range of sex toys out there that couples can try.

Flirt

Flirting is so easy these days. Everyone has a mobile or a laptop - just don’t use them in bed! But when you’re not together, send flirty messages.

And don’t forget how you used to flirt - literally any moment can be a flirting opportunity. When you’re washing up in the kitchen, turn it into a bit of fantasy chat about what you would do if the kids weren’t around.

Even if you can’t do anything at that moment, you are letting your other half know you find them attractive. Use those moments and if the thought crosses your mind then say it.

Talk to each other about sex

If people haven’t had sex for a while they can be embarrassed of anxious that they’ve lost the ability to turn each other on. But if you can talk to your partner about those insecurities it is a really important step.

Pick a good time to talk

Don’t do it when you’ve just had a row about the household budget. What about when you’re cuddled up on the sofa watching? Say if you’re watching a drama and there is a romantic scene, you could maybe just say “I have missed that and I am feeling a bit anxious about us getting that back again”.

Use the word romance instead of sex if you feel embarrassed, because your partner will get the message. Be confident, because they’re probably thinking the same thing.

Try something new - and remember to laugh

Most long-term couples settle into one or two sex positions but they can get very boring. Maybe it’s always spoons on a Sunday morning.

Get a sex guide, open the page, point to something and say we’re going to do our best to try that. Turn it into fun. Couples forget to laugh.

Once there’s an invisible wall between them in the bedroom, they forget that sex is supposed to be fun. Planning a candle-lit bath or shower together, things that feel good together are great.

You can also give each other permission to say I would like to try something from the past that we used to do, or you each get to suggest something new to try.

Initiating sex

If one of you always feel they are the one to initiate sex, it can turn into a negative issue. It’s far better to say something positive like, I loved it that time you were a bit flirty on the phone. Or that time you flagged up to me that hot scene in the drama that got you in the mood.

Because the person who doesn’t initiate sex has probably got to the point where they think they have to let the other person make the first move.

A relationship counsellor will often tell couples part of their homework is to take turns initiating sex. Do it!