The Local: Why Nyambu walks like a 'Kaswende' sufferer

Easter saw sots going to bond with long lost blood relations in shagz where they knock tea bushes with their foreheads after swirling muratina by the horn.

Other uprooted urbanites, the breed that looks like they have no relatives in the wide wild world, take out-of-town trips for camping under the tree sheltered canopy of Kajificheni Cottages.

There, away from the nagging of the long suffering wife, Baba Mtu tries breaking a certain commandment with a Descendants of Eve who by then, has drowned in some Liquid Panty Remover that make her shout to the dark wildness outside the tent: ‘It will be a baby boy!”

The local, besides hosting the likes of Diameter, the political analyst who is yet to pay bride price for the mother of his two children, who are potential sources of free laptops from the Jubilee government of kusema na ku-tender.

Diameter reasons that bride price was outlawed by the government but mothers in Central Kenya where his resident nagger comes from would think one is not normal (pronounced nomo) if you break their goat’s leg (read get their daughter paged) without customary compensation.

This come-we-stay affair has been compared to the abduction of girls by Nigerian terror outfit, Boko Haram.

Now Diameter, who says his union was almost a ‘marriage-by-capture’ has been used to hearing Owish instruct Nyambu, the counter girl with Tu-Linda Ogutu: “Patia Boko Horam Whitecap inatoa jasho!”

That means Owish ‘Jakom’, who says he never gets it how people buy expensive cars only to have them washed at some roadside swamp, was the other sot at Wa-Hannah’s.

‘Jakom’ said he only had a loose Sh100,000 which was not enough to visit Kanyam-Kago where he causes inflation, with only Sh2,000, at the shopping centre.

He therefore thought it prudent, in the spirit of the security situation in the country, to just tuliza Area Code and wet his gills with a bottle of Southern Comfort, which Nyambu didn’t mind dandiaring.

Jakom thought Southern Comfort was the reason the woman, who brags of butt dimples on either side, was walking funny.

Nyambu clarified, at the 20th tot, that she had recently shaved the hair on the crack of her butt which accounted for “vile natembea ni kama Diameter ako na kaswende!”