Dreams of my new candidate at TNA...

By Kipkoech Tanui

No one likes the word even ‘defector’, not even the100 MPs who have switched parties but hold onto their membership cards so as not to be red carded in the political pitch.

Nonetheless, one judge ruled in a Nakuru court that it isn’t libelous to call one a ‘serial defector’ because it has often proven a ‘smart career’ move. But anyway only one party, Uhuru Kenyatta’s, has rekindled the old ritual of ‘receiving’ defectors.

So here is the notification to all; I have ‘defected’ to Uhuru’s party — The National Alliance. ‘The’ definite article implies the other alliances are just clones. But take note we shall wring your neck as you face Mount Kenya if you claim the initials TNA stand for This is Not Applicable or Total Non-Action!

Let me assure my readers my defection to TNA is not because Uhuru has paid me. Why? Even he himself won’t believe that I mean well.

I just joined TNA and will be at its launch on Sunday clad in its colours because I just admire a guy who has been warned a wounded rhino from The Hague is coming his way and he still boldly stands in its way.

Please, if you call this is foolish or Dutch courage those will be your words, not mine, and because my man can really sue.

Do not say you were not warned. And remember this guy is very expressive and when livid, bangs tables, as he did once during a maddening rage at Mr Raila Odinga.

So on account of courage, I defect to TNA, and will henceforth follow him to whichever party he chooses. If I do not make this known, the chaps I was initiated with will think I am a coward who runs around with the ‘fellow’ cowards you know.

Talk of courage reminds me of the lesson I got on when confronted by the rhino from my grandfather Arap Losich. Because of its tonnage and poor sight, when this mammoth beast comes after you, for your clan’s pride’s sake do not run. Just steel your heart and let it come.

Once it is mere feet away, jump to the convenient side swiftly, and because of weight, momentum and lack of emergency brakes, it won’t gore you.

I am also lured by his age as he is young and so even though a mountain of cash, which means he has deep pockets, separates us you can’t blame me for who does not envy a rich and blessed man in Kenya and want to be associated with him?

In fact I think those who don’t like my candidate are jealous of his fortune and family history but you should all know no one signed a contract of fairness with God! And by the way you can’t blame one for plucking from the tree of luck, you must look for your own tree.

He is also the son of a former President, which means he is a thoroughbred, not the midget cows my clansmen call kisenji. So because he knows his way around State House well, has been there before, and isn’t poor, automatically means he is unlikely to be ‘bought’.

Spiritual leader

He is also has been project of two Presidents and if the two wise men saw something in him that set their hearts aglow, why can’t I just admire him. I mean stopping him is like standing on the rail track to stop a train with your bare hands!

Now do not tell me ati you heard he is the spiritual leader of the Mungiki, just leave that madness to Mr Luis Moreno-Ocampo. Sons of presidents are not that stupid, so please leave the son of Jomo alone.

Secondly, just say this in public and see what will happen to you! So kindly do not besmirch the name of my candidate.

In fact I want to organise a team to go teach those journalists a lesson for publishing unfriendly stories and pictures of my candidate.

Even that fool called Gitobu, we must get him and wring his neck for lying about the ‘facing Mount Kenya’ story, for that was only the title of a book my candidate’s father wrote.

Another foul-mouthed chap I hear claims my candidate can’t get his figures right and that is why his tenure at the Treasury is memorable for ‘typographical’ errors.

Please, do you in you good senses expect him to work on the computer and work out all those figures? That must have been the naiveté of those we pay to assist him at the Treasury.

Ladies and gentlemen Uhuru I am told is a smart head, and has put a very wide distance between himself and political idiocy as well as academic dwarfism, so do not drag his name through the mud.

My friend, I also envy my candidate, he is an expert in packing many hours into the white man’s 24-hour-day thing, so please even if you do not support him, do not besmirch the name of a hardworking Kenyan who has successfully run a huge financial empire.

I also support him because the DNA of tribalism flows...sorry guys I have just woken up sweating to find I was dreaming loudly!

The writer is Managing Editor, Daily Editions, at The Standard.

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