What do wedding vows really mean?

By Zawadi Lompisha

I was at a wedding this past Saturday and keenly followed the proceedings as the soon-to-be-married couple said their vows to each other. However, I was more sensitive than usual to what was being said coming from a recent confession from a friend that her marriage of 13 years had been very miserable due to her husband’s indifference to her.

Apart from providing monetary support to her and the children, the guy could have as well been living in another planet. He did not engage with her at all and had no relationship with the children, who he deemed were her responsibility.

So as I listened to the young people say their vows to each other, the contrast with my friend was all too clear. It wasn’t lost on me that 13 years ago; some other congregation had sat through a wedding service as my friend and her husband exchanged similar vows that promised a bright future and happy relationship.

Would she ever have thought that she would be ruing her current situation?

Soon forgotten

Do we all have such short memories that the vows we make at our weddings are soon forgotten and we treat our spouses like mortal enemies over time?

Or didn’t we take them seriously in the first place. Did we only go through them as a formality to get over a necessary hurdle? Didn’t we understand them?

The wedding vow is meant to have a positive effect on the couple. When you are vowing to have and hold your wife or husband forever and in disregard of whether there is money or not, she is sick or not, for better or for worse, wasn’t that meant to be a clarion call to standing with your mate for the rest of your life?

And when he was placing that ring over your finger as a testimony to all that he had picked you out from the crowds and wanted to honour you with all that he had, didn’t he mean it?

The wedding vow, at least in my books, means that your husband will be there for you at all times and not an occasional companion; that he will love and cherish you and not use you as a punching bag. That he will share his life with you alone and not with other women; that he values you as the most important person in his life and is proud of the fact that you are his wife.

Rewrite the vows

The vows my friend’s husband had made also declared that she was his first priority and never an afterthought.

He had no right to be indifferent to her because he had, by marrying her, confirmed that all that he was would be hers and so denying her himself — physically, emotionally and psychologically — was not an option. Why did he imagine that the only vow he made was to pay the bills?

As I sat in that wedding service last week, I wished I could be given an opportunity to re-write the vows that the couple said to help them in their future life. They would go something like this:

"I, (name), make you (name) my companion for life as my husband/wife. I promise to keep my eyes only on you because I freely and willingly chose you. No one put a gun to my head. When things are difficult, as they will occasionally be, that will not be my sign to run away, but an indicator that we must stay even closer together as it’s the only way we can make it. Some days we may not feel like we are in love, but I will always remember that love is not a feeling; it is a choice. And I will always choose to love you. Death, and only death, shall separate us. Not divorce papers, extramarital affairs, hobbies, or jobs"