The ultimate looser

By Renee Kamau

Valentine’s Day was not the best day to be on Mr Out-of-bound’s black books. This was meant to be my dream Vals, to make up for all those useless guys I had masqueraded with in the past. Obscenities were flowing through his mouth non-stop; I think he even started talking in his mother tongue. How could one silly picture cause all this drama?

I knew once he started throwing his man fit there was no way I could reason with him. To make matters worse, apparently that night, that I was "chipsed" he told me that he had passed by my apartment in the early morning and did not find me home. The only way I was going to get myself out of this sticky situation was to pull a fast one on him. One thing I know men hate is a whiny woman.

So I flipped the script on him. I started whining and asking him if he was seeing someone else. I brought all his dirty laundry to the table, how he was slacking off in the maintenance department, how he never came over like he used to. I even managed a few crocodile tears. My main intention was to bring him down, so that I could blame him for my defiant behaviour. After tactfully playing victim, he finally gave in and let me win the fight or so I thought.

If I knew earlier all it took was to make him a little insecure to control him, life would have been so much easier. This was the perfect forum for me to start submitting my demands as his significant other. He asked me what it was that I needed or felt I was lacking.

Too demanding

The excitement of those five little words "what can I get you" drove me crazy. Since it was Valentine’s Day, I knew he would agree to almost anything. But at the same time, I did not want to be too demanding. Sitting there all I could think of was all this new stuff I have been dreaming about. This man had turned me into a spoilt brat. I couldn’t make up my mind what I wanted. First of all what happened to my big Valentines surprise.

Wasn’t this the point that he was meant to hand me that big bouquet? I smiled looking at the flowers expecting him to hand them over to me and start giving me the itinerary for my big day. To my surprise he instead cleared his throat, looked straight at me and said, "those are for my wife Sally, she loves Lillies." I am not a flower person, but those words hurt me. I hadn’t won this fight after all.