Building self-worth without external validation

Building self-worth without external validation (Photo: iStock) There is a familiar scene that plays out almost every day. Someone posts a picture online and then hovers over their screen, refreshing every few seconds, watching the likes and comments roll in. Each notification brings a spark of joy, a little rush of recognition, and for a while, it feels like proof that they matter. The thrill is real, but it raises a deeper question. At what point does the happiness of being celebrated slip into dependency? And what happens when our sense of identity becomes tied too closely to what others say or do? This is not confined to social media alone. We see it in workplaces, where promotions and compliments determine a person's confidence. We see it in friendships, where people cannot make decisions without approval. It is woven into the way many of us measure our value, and it often leaves us more vulnerable than we realise. To explore this, I spoke with psychologist John Kibuthu Muichuhio, who believes that true self-worth must be grounded in the inner life rather than in applause or recognition. "It is the ability to make decisions without seeking approval from others," he explained. "When you can validate yourself and act from conviction rather than waiting for affirmation, that is when you know you have self-worth." Modern life, however, makes external validation almost irresistible. From likes on Instagram to progress at work, many of us use fleeting markers to measure our value. "People rely on affirmation because they are not always psychologically stable," Muichuhio said. "When you lean too heavily on what others think, you end up creating a false identity. It is like putting on a mask that eventually feels more real than who you truly are." This dependency often reveals itself in subtle but telling ways. People worry constantly about what others will say, hide their emotions to fit in, or adopt behaviours that do not reflect their true selves. "Over time," he added, "it can spill into harmful choices, from substance use to toxic social circles, even living a life that simply is not yours." Social media magnifies the struggle. A quick scroll through endless images of other people's achievements or lifestyles can quietly erode confidence. "You start to feel you are missing out, less impactful, even a failure," Muichuhio explained. "Social media amplifies insecurities rather than calming them." The consequences are far from superficial. Tying identity to outside approval often results in chronic self-doubt, fragile confidence, and a never-ending hunger for affirmation. "When you do not believe in yourself, you cannot truly love yourself either," he said. "It becomes a cycle of dependence that is very hard to break." Yet, as Muichuhio stressed, self-worth can be nurtured. It begins with small, intentional practices: acknowledging your own efforts, showing kindness to yourself, and celebrating progress without waiting for others to notice. "Start by learning to validate yourself," he advised. "Appreciate your efforts, however small, and create boundaries that protect your mental resilience. Boundaries remind you that your worth is not up for negotiation." Part of this, he suggested, is living by your values. "Values are like a compass," he noted. "When you act in line with them, you no longer need others to point the way." In practice, this means making choices rooted in what truly matters to you, even when those choices go unnoticed or uncelebrated. Self-worth also grows stronger when people stop demanding perfection of themselves. Mistakes and setbacks, Muichuhio argued, can be moments of growth rather than proof of inadequacy. "Resilience is built in the ability to rise again. You learn more about yourself through failure than through constant applause." Although self-worth must come from within, he acknowledged that healthy community plays an important role. Surrounding yourself with genuine connections, people who encourage without demanding conformity, can reinforce the confidence to be authentic. There is a world of difference between empty applause and sincere support. Mindful living, too, can steady the inner voice. Whether through journaling, meditation, or simply taking time away from screens, giving yourself space to reflect helps shift attention back to what you think and feel, rather than what others project onto you. For those trapped in constant comparison, whether in appearance, career, or lifestyle, Muichuhio recommends self-awareness, therapy, and stepping away from unhealthy influences. "Disconnect from what distorts your self-view, whether that is social media or certain people. Take baby steps, affirm yourself, and live according to your own values and principles." Then, with calm emphasis, he added, "Be gentle with yourself. Nurture who you are, and give yourself space to grow."

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