This father runs away from emotionally investing in the child and his default is to use his money to parent.
So he buys things to buy the child's smile and silence. The child grows up empty and thinking love is gifts.
1. The absent father
This is a dead beat. He is nowhere in the child's life, has no relationship with the child. This father damages the child's identity and gives the child wounds that will take years to heal.
2. The passive father
This father is around but is not engaged in raising the child. He comes home late or early, locks himself in the room or is fixated on the TV, the newspaper or the phone thinking that parenting is for the mother. He ends up making the child feel like a bother and an object in the house, ruining the child's self-esteem and putting undue pressure on the mother.
3. The distant father
This father works far and so is rarely physically present in the child's life but instead of using technology, phones, the internet to keep communicating with the child, he goes silent, making the child feel neglected and soon the child learns to see dad as a visitor, not a father.
4. The chop-my-money father
This father runs away from emotionally investing in the child and his default is to use his money to parent. So he buys things to buy the child's smile and silence. The child grows up empty and thinking love is gifts.
5. The "no" father
This father says no to everything. No TV, no good food, no friends, no going out, no boyfriend/girlfriend, no going to Church, no phone, no sex, no new clothes, no cool hairstyle ... without saying why. This makes the child grow without a healthy decision making process, robs the child a chance to reason or explore and makes the child shy away from asking for advice or help.
6. The "yes" father
This father wants to be in the good books of the child and fears the tantrums of the child when the child does not get what he/she wants and so he says yes to everything even though it might ruin the child. This makes the child grow up spoilt and manipulative, questioning authority and feeling entitled.
7. The authoritarian father
This father rules instead of parenting. His word is an order, his presence fearful and his demeanour intimidating. The child does what he wants out of fear but as the child grows older, the child can't wait to move out and escape saying "I never want to be anything like my father". These fathers age lonely in retirement age because they hurt and scared their children away.
8. The inconsistent father
This father is so unpredictable. He makes great promises but doesn't keep them. He disappears then comes back full force them disappears again. He can be the best dad then suddenly the monster that causes pain. The child feels unstable with him and begins to trust him less in order to insulate against the emotional rollercoaster that the father is.
9. The lost father
This father doesn't know himself, he is a drunk, a wife beater, a liar, a reckless man, a neighbourhood menace that brings embarrassment to the child. The child may honour him but feels sorry for him and hurts because of the many stories of shame.
10. The active dad
This father is dependable, present, a mentor, a coach, a disciplinarian and a friend. This father is pursuing his own growth as he expects the child to grow. He does great things that make the child admire him, he leads by example, he teaches the child how to reason encouraging the child to be unique. This father is a good listener and a rock for the child. The child grows up healthy and whole with a father who gives advice and who is a steady hand to hold.
What kind of a father are you?
What kind of a father raised you?
© Dayan Masinde
In my book, MANHOOD SERIES, I walk with men towards understanding themselves and help women to understand men.
In my other book, WOMANHOOD SERIES, I walk with women towards understanding themselves and help men to understand women.
To purchase the MANHOOD SERIES written by Dayan Masinde, MPESA Ksh. 200 to 0721590954, then text the word MAN and your email address to the same number and the book will be sent to your email address for you to download and read on your phone or computer.
To purchase the WOMANHOOD SERIES written by Dayan Masinde, MPESA Ksh. 200 to 0721590954, then text the word WOMAN and your email address to the same number and the book will be sent to your email address for you to download and read on your phone or computer.
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