Confessions: Six years and two children later, I am yet to meet his parents

I have been in a relationship for about six years and I have two children. I am starting to get concerned about our relationship because he has never introduced me to his parents for all these years. The only person I know is his sister even though we don’t get along very well. My main cause for worry is that he refers to me as his wife to all his friends but has never even suggested going home to meet my parents to discuss dowry or declare his intentions. There are rumours he is seeing another woman and is even planning to take her to meet his parents. My sources also tell me she is pregnant even though he denies it every time I ask him. I am stressed and my instincts tell me he may be serious about her and is only buying time. Please advise me on what I should do.

{Rose}

What the readers say:

Rose, six years is a long time to just sit there assuming this man is your husband. I blame you for not doing what you know you’ve done. What made you accept his silence on you being part of his life? Don’t be surprised to realise that there may actually be a first wife and you could easily be the second or third and this could be the reason he is keeping you in the dark.

{Ouma Ragumo – Sifuyo}

You ought to put more effort into ensuring your marriage is formalised and put pressure on him to introduce you to his parents. Make him understand the importance of him meeting your parents and of you meeting his parents. About the other woman, you need to find out more about her then confront him with the issue and hear what he has to say.

{Onyango Outha}

For various reasons, men do tend to take some time before introducing their wives to their parents but six years is a bit on the higher side. Talk to his close friends and find out if there are issues that could be stopping him from introducing you to his parents or if there are is anything you may have done wrong that could be leading to this situation. Alternatively, confront him with the fact you want the marriage to end, which will give you his honest self from body language and the spoken word. If he agrees to end it, accept it, move on and follow on child upkeep.

{Tasma Saka}

Simon says

Rose, this is a situation many women find themselves in. You are very much within your right to get concerned. Essentially, there is no ideal time for a man to introduce his girlfriend to his parents (especially his mother) but most certainly, six years is a long time and this may just be unacceptable. Your relationship is now taking a totally different turn with the emergence of another woman who is allegedly pregnant and the fact that there is talk of him wanting to take her home. I don’t know how much you trust your sources but I encourage you not to bluff it away as there is always some degree of truth in every rumour.

So he has not taken you home all this while. Rather than focus on the reasons and such things, have you taken him to your home and declared him as your current or future husband? Sometimes it works the other way and if you could get him to come to your home on a special invitation where he will get to meet your family, he may start warming up to the idea that it may just be about time.

You may have to confront him and get him to give you his definite plans and his thoughts about your relationship. It may be somewhat strange for him to even think about taking another woman home while he is still living with you – unless he has suicidal tendencies. Nonetheless, he needs to set things straight and come clean with his plans. Make it known to him that just because he refers to you as his wife, this does not make you his wife. He needs to know that you are both not getting any younger and that prolonged avoidance of even the most basic of actions is hurting you.

On the issue of the other woman, you have to be very careful and employ your investigative mechanisms to ascertain the truth behind all this. Take an interest in his family and you may be surprised that he may even introduce you to even more family members apart from his sister.  However, as you look for a way to handle this, have some aura of thought that the rumour could actually be true and start mitigating your losses.

Simon is a relationships counsellor

Boke says

Marriage is not about the two people involved but rather all other relations connected to each of you. It is important to have these people, especially parents, aware of your union. They may not approve of it but they need to be in full knowledge of your existence.

Adults have a reason for the way they act or conduct themselves. Your husband is fully aware of his odd behaviour and he has a reason for it. We hope the rumours are not true and that you can get to talk about seeing your parents. This is not just an African thing, it is an honourable thing to do.

I get the feeling that your fear is that you perceive yourself to be hanging on ‘loosely’ and that you can easily be dismissed from this marriage. That is not true. Although you have not formalised your marriage, the laws of the land recognise your union just like any other. Your children and yourself have your rights taken care of just like any other marriage.

If the rumour is true, it will mean that your husband is being polygamous. He cannot wish you and your children away unless you officially divorce. On the other hand, both of you need to think beyond yourselves. Think of your children. Don’t you think it would be prudent to let them have a connection with their grandparents and the immediate family members from both sides? It is important for them. If you cannot do this for yourselves, at least do it for the children.

Six years is a long time to know so little about your husband’s family. Unless he is from a foreign country. Your husband’s sister can be a good point person to help you connect with them if you want to. I encourage you to do so.

Hilda Boke Mahare has a background in Counselling Psychology