Confessions: He provides, is a good dad but never listens to me

l am 26 and my husband is 31 and we have been married for seven years. Our marriage is OK, as he is providing for us. However, there is a problem with how he treats me when it comes to money and his general attitude towards me.

To him, there is nothing I can say that makes any sense, so he does not consider my opinion in anything. He also never gives me money especially for buying my stuff or for our son for instance to buy shoes or clothes.

He has a whole wardrobe of clothes and 15 pairs of shoes. I feel like a nobody and I have started getting lonely but what hurts me more is the fact that he takes me for granted.

{Naliaka}

What the readers say:

I am sure he is paying rent, paying school fees, buying food and many other things so I don’t see what the problem is here. Talking to him might not work if he doesn’t listen to you but you can talk to someone who he respects to share your feelings with him, it doesn’t hurt to make an effort. All in all, do not push him to do anything rather just let it come from his own accord.

{Onyango Outha}

Your problem is recognition and you should know he recognises and cares for you if he is taking care of the family. You must have also understood him well to know how to get close to him, to make him feel good and to give you what you want. Also, have you considered looking for a job if you aren’t working?

{Tasma Saka}

You have not told us if you have ever tried looking for work to support yourself. Try and find something to do even if it is a small business you can run. When you start bringing something on the table or even appear to be trying, then he is going to respect you more. Have a candid discussion with him and request to help you start even a small business so you can take care of your own needs. Convince him that this will also be good for him as you will be in a better position to even support him.

{Fred Jausenge}

Simon says:

Naliaka, sometimes in life things may not go exactly as we planned for them to be. Sometimes we are happy and other times we may not be happy but the most important thing through all this is to learn to count your blessings even when they are few and far between.

In reading your story, I see so much you ought to be thankful for even though some other things may not be working out. First, you mentioned that he is financially stable and that he provides well for the family. You may not know how much those two things are worth until you either don’t have or lose them somewhere along the way. Even without buying clothes and shoes, a man who provides well for his family deserves some credit and respect.

Yes, I believe in your thinking (as a woman) all that is going on equates to him not loving or appreciating you and your son. This may be true to some extent but perhaps he may have a different perception about how he is loving and taking care of you. The good thing is that you are only complaining about things that are not in the basic needs. The situation would be different if he was not for instance buying food or paying school fees. While I understand your concern and predicament, I think it is something that can be sorted over time and with a little patience on your part.

You can try and talk to him about this and explain about the things you really need for now. Do not go counting how many pairs of shoes or suits he has. Explain this to him as plainly a possible and just be candid about him. Tell him how much you would like to look good for him and how he can make that happen. However, you would need to be careful and ensure you get the timing right to have this discussion. Men are much easier with money when there is plenty and we don’t like planning for future events. Time this to coincide with his pay day or week and he will always be much easier with money then. Lastly, if you are a housewife try and get something to do for yourself – no matter how small this may be. You could even get him to support you and assure him that the business will help you take care of your needs and to some extent the need of the household.

 {Simon is a relationships counsellor}

Boke says:

Provision from anyone is always limited to factors such as their ability or even willingness. Your husband is subject to any of the above factors. Let’s shift our attention from him and let us look at you. You are young healthy and strong, at least you did not mention any health issues. Why don’t you engage yourself in an income generating activity?

Before you blame him I think you are not being fair to yourself also. What effort have you been making to add value to yourself? Times are really changing and being a housewife is increasingly becoming a challenge to many household. I am not privy of what you could have agreed concerning this matter but it seems your husband is no longer comfortable with this arrangement, he is feeling overstretched or experiencing a burn out.

Look for something to do no matter how small. You just do not know how this will change the way you feel about yourself. The benefits are beyond monetary. Your mind will be engaged and you will be exposed to different views and perspectives which is very important for your mental wellbeing. If you have a problem leaving the house, there are online jobs. You could also trade online.

There are opportunities around you if you are keen. Please do not allow yourself to complain about shoes and clothes yet you have the capacity to do this and much more for yourself and son. It would not be a surprise if this brings about a change in your husband’s attitude towards you. If things do not change then there could be more to it but let’s start by you feeling good about yourself.

Hilda Boke Mahare has a background in Counselling Psychology and loves to share her knowledge in matters of life and relationships.