Demand, love and respect

By Njoki Karuoya

One of the often-used comments that I dislike is: “All guys are the same.... or like that...” in relation to sexual promiscuity (irrespective of his marital status), irresponsibility, drunkenness, heartlessness, ruthlessness and recklessness.

I refuse to accept that all guys are irresponsible and happy to be so. I have seen and met guys who are loyal to their partners, who think of their families needs first before they think of theirs, who are responsible males at home, at work and in the social sphere, and who are role models that other people look up to.

Boys don’t start off reckless and callous. They start off as nice, innocent children who, depending on their upbringing, influences and exposure, turn out to be either men or wimps.

A real man is responsible, a wimp isn’t. A real man is in control of his life and that of those charged under his care, while a wimp is a layabout who is only too eager to blame everything and everyone else but himself for the things going wrong in his life. A real man looks for options and is resourceful. A wimp is lazy, weak and useless. A real man is caring, thoughtful and respectable. A wimp is hard-hearted, heartless, indifferent to the plight and feelings of others, cruel, cold and utterly selfish.

So why would a rational girl or woman hang out with a wimp when there are better options out there? And why would they use this phrase; “I have no choice...” — which is another one I hate — to stick to a wimp, when they would be better off on their own?

I can understand a woman married for years and with several children in tow choosing to stick in a relationship that’s doing nothing for her except sap her energy, resources and give her illnesses (like ulcers, high blood pressure and diabetes among others) rather than walk out; but even then, there are ways she can put a stop to her man’s wimpy behaviour by being firm.

One of my good male friends once told me that married men (and men in general) continue along paths of destruction (drugs, alcohol, womanising, and so on) when the women in their lives (mothers and wives) allow them to.

In other words, if you don’t stop the behaviour, if you don’t say anything about it, if you keep silent about behaviour that irks you because you prefer the fake peace, then you are feeding the habit and creating a monster. This man will be heard, in the pub or other public forums, including on air (radio especially), brushing aside women’s feelings as meaningless or useless because he believes he is untouchable.

When women strongly express themselves (and I don’t mean by shouting or being aggressive and abrasive) men stop and listen. A man who takes his woman seriously will stand by her. A man who disregards his woman will walk away.

All single ladies, from teenagers to college and university girls, and those starting out in the job market, must understand that they create the lives they lead. If you allow a man to disrespect you, he will. And the only way you will allow a man to disrespect you is because you don’t consider yourself of great worth, and to you, therefore, a man in your life is better than none, regardless of how much crap he dishes you.

On the other hand, if you value yourself and desire to be treated with respect, you must first see yourself as worthy then demand to be treated with respect, and you will get it.

Don’t allow yourself to be crapped on by any man (or woman for that matter). Treat yourself with dignity, and others will do the same.