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Love doctor: Dating way above your league is a bad idea

By Chris Hart | April 21st 2019
Conflict between a young couple. Sadness, despair

Hi Chris!

All my life I’ve dreamt of marrying a real catch. Someone drop dead gorgeous. A really rich hunk. So those are the guys I go for, and in fact I have had a lot of boyfriends like that. But things never work out. I feel great to begin with, but sooner or later I start to feel insecure - and for good reason. Some of my boyfriends start calling the shots. Others start looking around, and one even cheated on me. And so things invariably end in tears.

What am I doing wrong?

Looking for my Prince


Hi Looking for my Prince!

There’s nothing wrong with looking for your Prince. But you’re much more likely to be happy with someone who matches you closely, or at least your differences balance out. Like in appearance, wealth, social status, education, personality and social skills.

Because ‘catches’ are definitely prone to cheating and controlling behaviour. The same is true when a couple starts off equal, but things change. So, relationships often fail when someone loses their job. Or inherits a fortune...

Everything starts with appearance. Women prefer men who look sexually mature and approachable. Tall and bigger across the shoulders than the waist. With smooth, self-assured movements, that say he knows what he’s doing.

Men, of course, go for youth. Slender waist, glowing skin and clear eyes. A great hairstyle. Well chosen make up and clothes. An uninhibited smile and plenty of self-confidence. Happy and fun-loving. Graceful and enthusiastic.

So make a realistic assessment of your appearance, and aim for a match. Then you’ll get along fine. You’ll even be sexier together! You see it happening in bars. Good matches nuzzle and caress. While less similar couples hardly ever seem to touch one another.

How to keep a rich man? Classy clothes that say you have taste. Rich people have a particular way of talking, so your voice needs to be clear and low. Every word accurately pronounced and impactful. Marking you out as being thoughtful and educated.

Practice your social skills. Build your self-confidence and personality. And above all concentrate your attention on your partner rather than on your own doubts and insecurities. Try always to have loving thoughts and kind feelings about them. And be helpful towards them even when there’s little chance of any sort of reward. That attitude of mind alone will make you more attractive. As will being financially responsible, receptive to new ideas, flexible and open to new experiences.

But does that all sound like too much trouble? Because if you’re having to work to impressing your rich hunk, maybe you’re going to be miserable if you actually catch him...

So aim for someone who’s roughly your equal, and you’ll live happily ever after.

All the best,


Hi Chris!

I’m so stressed! There’s always too little money, and endless problems at work. My boss winds me up, so do all the meetings, and my clients are a handful too. It’s all rubbing off on my life at home, so I also end up snapping at my wife and the children.

How can I stop the stresses and strains of every day getting to me? My friends say I should go to the gym, and maybe I should, but I need something that can calm me down while I’m at work. 

Is there some way I can unwind? Really fast.

Really Stressed


Hi Really Stressed!

Yes there is. It’s called image rehearsal.

It’s like a more powerful version of day-dreaming. You’ll need to learn the technique, but once you’ve got the skill, it will rapidly reduce your stress levels, and improve your performance in challenging situations. Like making a speech.

It works like this. Everything you experience riggers an emotional response. And vividly imagined situations trigger exactly the same response as real ones. So the right visualisation can trigger a calm mood. Like imagining yourself sitting by the beach, sipping something nice.

The trick is making a visualisation feel real by involving all your senses. Imagine opening your bedroom door. Does it make a noise? How does the handle feel? As you enter the room, is there a different smell? Go back over the scene again and again, and include your emotions. Like how comfortable and familiar your room feels.

Try imagining all sorts of different situations. Real places with happy memories. Imaginary places that are peaceful and relaxing. Like woodland. Try all sorts of simple domestic scenes, like washing your hands, complete with the sensations and sounds of warm water, slippery soapsuds and smells. Imagine making coffee. Eating fruit. Building your dream house.

Practice when you’re relaxed, like as you settle down to sleep. When you find a visualisation that works for you, rehearse it until you can call it up with your eyes wide open and chaos all around you. Or when you’re stressed. Like in the small hours when you wake with all the troubles of the day churning through your mind. Deliberately slipping into your visualisation will quickly stop your mind churning!

Try it while walking from one hectic meeting to the next. You’ll be amazed how just a few moments of visualisation will relax your mind and prepare you for what’s next.

Learn the signs that your stress level’s rising. Tensed shoulders. Fidgeting, chewing your biro, whatever. So when you spot them you can start to react before things really start affecting you.

Learning the skill of visualisation’s like practicing the piano. To begin with it’s hard work. But suddenly it’s second nature, and your life will feel far less stressed.

All the best,


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