Worried about wife’s HIV status

By Nyambura Maina

After seven years of marriage and with three children, my worst fears have come true. I have discovered that my wife is HIV positive. She had been sick on many occasions and I had noticed she was growing thinner. We had gone to see a doctor who was preparing her to undergo an operation. He requested an HIV test for her, we agreed and it was done. I refused to believe my ears when I was told the results were positive. However, after several tests in different places, my children and I have tested negative. Two years later, I am learning how to live with my wife’s status. It has been difficult because I am worried that one day I may contract the virus if the condom breaks. I have developed high blood pressure and the doctor thinks I should avoid situations that can cause stress. Should I abandon sex with my wife?

Sammie, Nairobi.

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It is commendable that you and your whole family have undergone HIV testing. In addition, it is admirable that you have chosen to stay with your wife and support her in her time of need. You wish to be there for her as a husband, but having sexual relations with her makes you worried and anxious about your own health. It is likely that your anxiety about getting infected is closely linked to your elevated stress levels.

You are aware of the risks involved in having penetrative sex with your wife. Condoms, as a barrier method, provide protection only if they are used correctly. You must follow the instructions on application, usage, storage and disposal carefully. Take note of expiry dates and use only water-based lubricants such as KY jelly if you need to.

Exploring other ways of pleasing each other sexually, can also work wonders for your relationship. The key is to avoid any exchange or exposure to blood and bodily fluids. Sexual activities like massage, hugging or showering together can still bring sexual satisfaction without posing the risk of HIV transmission.

It is also a wise idea to get additional social support from others who are in similar situations. There are many other discordant couples in the same boat as you. It helps to share fears and anxieties with someone who will understand and identify with your problem.

Consider looking up associations such as The Association of People living with Aids in Kenya (Tapwak), Kenya Network of Women with Aids (Kenwa) and www.kaippg.org among others who help people affected and infected with HIV. Websites such as www.aidsalliance.org, www.thebody.com, www.aidsinfo.nih.gov will give you extra information.

Having the necessary knowledge will help dispel your anxieties and will allow you to make informed decisions in your marriage. Do not hesitate to seek further medical advice from your doctor about HIV and prevention techniques.

And remember, exercise, getting enough sleep and proper nutrition are excellent ways to combat stress. Incorporating them into your daily routine will provide activities that you and your wife can enjoy together and also help release pent up energy if you decide to abstain.

Common counsel:

Abstinence is best

Sammie, I do not envy you. I am sure many married couples around us are in the same situation you are in. To avoid the stress that is giving you high blood pressure, quit having sexual relations with your wife. The stress has taken its toll on you already and you need to be saving money for your wife’s medical costs rather than on yourself. Take up a sport and commit to doing it two or three times a week. This will help lower your stress and beat the temptation to have sex.

Matthew, 43

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For better or worse

You promised to love and cherish your wife, for better or for worse. During this period of ‘worse’ is the time to support and love her even more. Do not give up your matrimonial duties simply because you are scared.

As the husband, you must provide for the family and set a good example. Have courage and continue satisfying your wife’s needs. If she cannot rely on you, then whom can she rely on? You will be all right as long as you use condoms.

Oscar A.

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Outsource assistance

Choose another partner but keep your marriage intact for the sake of your three children. Make sure your new partner is HIV negative.

However, you will still need to protect yourself. At least being with a new woman will cater to your sexual needs and there will be no anxiety about getting infected.

Your wife should understand and she should even be grateful that you have not chased her out of the house.

Wainaina, 51

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Fear should take a back seat

Look at it this way — how many times do people have protected sex without knowing the HIV status of their partners? It is because you know your wife’s status that you become jittery even when using a condom. ‘What if’ questions such as ‘what if the condom breaks?’, are obstacles to one’s happiness. Sammie, you and your wife are still together even after she contracted the dreaded virus. This shows that you love her very much. Allow that love to guide you and tell fear and worry to take a back seat.

Jane, 37

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Love conquers all

All your wife needs from you is true love, understanding and compassion. Your intimacy with her is a challenge and a source of insecurity for you. Before this tragedy, love brought you both a long way. Now, more than ever before, it is time that love is upheld.

For you to be a true friend to your wife, be understanding and give her the best care (Luke 10:34, Matt 24:36).

When a family’s existence is at risk you can forfeit the happiness of one party for the sake of the family. Sammie, talk to your wife about your fear. Remember, it’s not just about the two of you, but the children as well. I am sure if she loves you she will not want you to be infected especially by her. Be faithful to her and God will surely bless you.

Jane Ndule