Helping children grow without doing it all for them

 

Gooka says the challenge is not to love our children less, but to understand that love sometimes needs to change its approach. [Getty Images]

There is a particular urgency that comes with being a parent. A child is struggling with a task, taking too long to complete something or making a decision the parent believes could be better, because the parent knows what to do and can do it faster. So, the parent steps in.

The outcome? The problem is solved by the parent, and in the shortest time, the immediate problem disappears, and the parent (family) and child can all move on. But what happens when our children begin to expect parents to solve every problem before they have had the chance to try? “Our instinct to protect them is natural, because as parents, we want to spare them embarrassment, frustration and unnecessary hardship, and yet, in the parent’s determination to make life easier, they may sometimes take away opportunities for them to discover what they can do,” says Eng Peter Nduati (Gooka), author of From the Village to the City and grandparenting guide books.

Gooka says the challenge is not to love our children less, but to understand that love sometimes needs to change its approach.

From struggling with buttons to losing books or friendship troubles, children need different levels of parental support depending on the situation.

Nduati explains a young child may need hands-on assistance, while an older child may benefit from time to work out a solution, while a distressed child may need comfort before being ready to consider what to do next.

“The important distinction is between giving children the help they need and assuming they cannot manage without us (parents),” he says.

Family Coach and Counsellor, Wanjiro Risa, says children need nurturing, responsive care, communication and an environment in which they feel safe and valued. Within such relationships, she says, they can gradually learn to attempt difficult tasks, ask for appropriate help and recover when their first effort does not work.

“The goal is not to leave children to fend for themselves, but to help them discover that they can participate in solving some of their own problems.

Sometimes, the hardest part of parenting is managing our own discomfort. Wanjiro says watching a child take a long time to complete a simple task can test a parent’s patience, especially when we are rushing to get everyone out of the house.

“Listening to a child explain a disagreement can be exhausting when we believe we already know who is right,” she explains.

However, she says, there are moments when intervention is necessary, such as when children need adults to protect them from danger, exploitation, abuse and situations beyond their developmental capacity.

Not every difficulty is a crisis

A child who cannot immediately solve a puzzle may need encouragement rather than an answer. One who forgets an item may benefit from learning to prepare a checklist. A teenager facing a disagreement with a friend may need someone to listen before offering advice.

The family coach says these experiences give children opportunities to practise decision-making, problem-solving and responsibility.

Gooka says one practical way to encourage independence is to change the questions parents ask. Parents should guide children with questions that encourage problem-solving rather than immediately fixing things or giving answers.

And when a child comes home complaining about a disagreement, rather than immediately deciding who was wrong, Nduati says a parent can ask, “What happened, and what do you think you could do about it?” These questions, he says, invite children into the process of thinking, and though they do not guarantee that children will find the right answer, they allow them to practise.

For younger children, that might mean allowing them to choose between two suitable outfits, put away toys or help prepare a simple meal under supervision.

Wanjiro says, as children grow, their responsibilities can expand. They can learn to organise school materials, manage age-appropriate household tasks, keep track of commitments and participate in family discussions.

“Teenagers can gradually be given more opportunities to make decisions about their time, friendships and interests, with boundaries and guidance appropriate to their age and circumstances,” she explains.

When a parent’s dreams become their instructions

Sometimes, parents struggle to let children make their own choices because they have already imagined the lives they want them to lead.

As parents, says Wanjiro, they may have a preferred career in mind, expectations about academic performance or particular ideas about the friends they should keep and the interests they should pursue.

However, she says, a child is not a project to be completed according to a parent’s specifications.

The counsellor explains that as children mature, they need opportunities to discover their interests, express their views and learn to make considered choices. Parents, she adds, can offer experience, explain consequences and establish reasonable boundaries without assuming that every difference in opinion is an act of defiance.

“Letting go is not about surrendering parental responsibility, but making room for a growing child to participate in decisions that affect their life,” says the expert.

Gooka says some children need additional support with learning, communication, daily activities or managing change. Others may be dealing with difficulties that are not immediately visible to the adults around them.

Here, he notes, the answer is not to withdraw help in the name of resilience. He says parents can ask what kind of support will help a child participate as fully as possible.

“Sometimes that means demonstrating a task or breaking a problem into smaller steps, while at other times, it means listening without rushing to fix the situation or seeking professional guidance,” Gooka explains.

In the end, he says, children need to know they are not alone when things go wrong. They also need opportunities to discover that a mistake does not have to be the end of the story.

The next time a child struggles with something manageable, perhaps we can pause before taking over. We can offer encouragement, ask a question or give them a little more time.

And when they need parents to step in, parents can do so without making them feel incapable.

Because the purpose of parenting is not to ensure that children never struggle, but to help them develop the confidence to face life’s challenges, the wisdom to recognise when they need help and the assurance that, even as they grow more independent, they do not have to stop turning to us.