Dealing with a manipulative spouse

Dealing with a manipulative spouse (Photo: iStock)

You would think that being in a committed relationship would bring emotional security, mutual support and a sense of partnership.

That is not always if ever the case, due to many factors. Take, for instance, when manipulation enters the dynamic, leaving one partner feeling confused, powerless and emotionally drained. Because it often unfolds subtly, it becomes difficult to recognise until patterns become deeply embedded.

For many people in these situations, the emotional toll can be significant, eventually affecting their mental health and even physical well-being. Where it isn’t overt, it can take the form of guilt-tripping, gaslighting, withholding affection or twisting facts to shift blame.

Over time, these tactics can make you question your memory, judgment or even your sanity. One common sign to watch out for is the feeling that you’re constantly walking on eggshells, making it hard to express yourself or set boundaries for fear of how your spouse might react. Another red flag is if you find yourself apologising often, even when you haven’t done anything wrong, or you start feeling responsible for their moods and decisions.

Manipulation is often rooted in control, according to Dr Ramani Durvasula, a clinical psychologist and expert on narcissistic and manipulative behaviour: “The manipulator’s goal is not resolution but dominance.’

This makes it especially challenging because the relationship may swing between love and cruelty, making you doubt whether what you’re experiencing is truly unhealthy. And is it?

Once it gets there, the first and most important step is awareness. Naming the behaviour for what it is, which is manipulation, can be incredibly validating. Keeping a journal of conversations and emotional reactions can help you spot recurring patterns that you may otherwise dismiss in the moment.

Boundaries are essential. Start by clearly defining what you will and will not tolerate, and communicate those boundaries to your spouse firmly but calmly.

Understand that a manipulative partner may resist or push back. In such moments, remain consistent. If doing so leads to escalated manipulation, consider involving a therapist, preferably one with experience in emotional abuse and relationships.

It’s also crucial to build a support network. Isolation often fuels manipulation, so avoid that completely and stay connected to trusted friends or family members who can offer perspective and encouragement.