Galilleo, Choi n Mavuno

By Smitta Smitten

That's from 'Saturday Nite' by Suede, lyriks we luved wit one Carole Mbuthia waaayy back – n happy birthday to the ladette – wen rock still happened on Sato nytes. Last Sats, tho, twas da Sharonova and I on the move to Galileo's.

Galileo’s first ‘buffday’ was on the deck, n since CEO had sed I oughta cover that shizzo, we got into ‘Clearly Ash,’ n rolled up Westsydes.

As we parked, a moti shot outta Galilleo’s n straight into that ka-para dat links up the two highways, almost causing a cab flyin’ down the highway to slalom into it. I waz lookin’ 4ward to some bluud n death, but un4tuneatelee, din’t happen!

Juzz kiddin. Seriously, some nuccas drive so crazy on weekend nytes, esp high on diesel, you gotta be like souper-carful. Worser was dat this whip waz being driven by a mamsilla, wit her wine-high pals fillin’ the mots the way Kalekye’s ma-hagas fill her panyez. Chutas who paisha mots cos they are in mental safos in their heads, I ken handle – but drunken miro mamas??

First anniversary

Anywez, at Galileo’s, after a thorough search of som guest list, the Sha n I were ushered in w/out lipaink the five sock gate surcharge – but the usury waz about to anza. Goin’ over to the Smirnoff tent where some splengz waz at, I got served a double vodoski. But ‘shock’ on me (as some shady peeps say, the sort who always smell of damp socks) – tht double waz three reds.

"If yu buy ann’a double," Miss Blonde wit a beeeg butt tole me, wit brinks of eye-rashes, "yu get a free soda." Really? Yu don’t say. Thaz like trying to sellin’ me a hao, then sayin’ I’ll pata free T.P. in the loo if I nunua the crib.

The crowd waz also slightly weird huko njee. There waz these three guys – one a chuta who looked about sixty fae, n the kinda guy who’s so incontinent they kent control wen they shuta – squeezed into one lounge chair.

They really looked like three indiots, auditioning for da role of ‘Tweedledee, Tweedledumb n Dumb Dimwit.’ But the muzik waz on point, wit ole skool classiks like Mj hits, M.C. Hammer n evn the cheesy ‘You’re my sweetie, my sugar.’ Why do guys associate romance wit saccharine substances like choco? Why not spices, kashumbari, vinegar or evn shewing gum or miraa.

"Wewe ni veve," a wariah may tell his chicka, n wallah, its all rock n roll.

Round about the tyme Shiro waz doan the long jump from his balcony in Nyahurushski, da Sha n I decided twas tyme to scatter ... to Choi. As we left Galileo, ran into the ultra-kool Jaguar n his entourage. Dude waz in tha company of man chicka who lookd slightly blonde.

Missed call

But the Jag himzelfu is a totally awesum dude, n twas too bad we coont join him 4 his vodoski offer! I like dat he’s in filanthropy these dayz (esp since chickas like Cecilia Mwas has decided to jump from jiggas to kitandaski wit political mambas). And cool lil Collo, formerly of Klepto, waz there too – lookin as sharp as a razor – as he shud, being undoubtedly da best rapper left in town.

Kenzo, tho, in a sweater, his guitar n very very blindman’s dark glasses looked as uneasy as a pick-pocket in a crowded bus, 4 warrever reason.

As we left this entourage, I wondred watt Prezzo waz up to on this Sato nyt.

In a dusty bar down-town in Kirinyaga, drinkin the midnight away? In his digs, listenin’ to a CD, n nodding sagely at the wordz of Jaguar’s ‘Vigeugeu’? N watt about Roba of Klepto? Are they all happy, now dat dey have med shore MSCK has been de-gazetted? I tell ya, managing artistes takes a special kinda genius. Or to putt it ana waay, in Swa, ‘ukiona miti ikitelesa, kila nyani ushika kundule.’We rolled down to Ka-Choi, n found it half full, half empty.

Almozt everyone in there looked over thate, perhaps like Prezzo, reminiscing on le Choices in tha mid oh-ohs, n oh, has it been so long? One of the left-over remainders from dem dayz, James, forced for a congratulatory double Jameson’s from I to be higher. I loathe the Red Devilz!!

In fact, like I tole Raphael (Man U damn yu) at Nerkwo, other than the CL finals (to be watched at Psys, tao, the other Sats) wen Barca will baka Man U vibwayest, I’ve retired from footie 4 the next three months till Sharity Shiod. I am now seriously 4llowing the ‘Stanley Cup’ ice hockey shizzo on DStv. Go, Montreal Canadiens!!!

Yeah, I’m like CEO who skyves to other sport wen things are going bad. As they are for his ‘K’ogalo’ rait now. Watt waz dat, juzi, at Nyayo? Gor fans behavin’ very mbadly, stonin’ peeps, evn not skizaing their own respectable chair, Mister Rachier, n breakin’ windows of the Ulinzi boo, journa Tosckicity’s motis n evn the darn amboolance? Manze, mtafukuza wasee stadi, shenziskis.

Peep show at the freak show, Sato nyte zizki @ Choi simply rocks – n the dude who manages the muzik system is too cool 4 life. More about him baadayez, but yez, a gud tyme was had by the Sharonova n I till near four.

Next day @t noon, twaz off to Mavuno coz tho I’m a heathen, the Sha had sed the pastor at dat kanisa waz gonna be speakin’ abt media n entertainment.

I was darn glad to hear someone on the fulfit refer to the younglings in church as ‘Pulsers,’ for starters. But twas all down-hill 4rm there. First a dude wit a crooked tooth called ‘A-Star’ or sumthin did some rap about ‘cleaning the airwaves.’ Wazz he gonna clean em wit – Dettol or Jik?

Then the pastor spoke about ‘infiltrating the media’ (is there a Xtian KGB sumwhere?), although I like that he luvz ‘The Matrix.’ No wunder his nayme is ‘M.’ He also likes CS Lewis (Narnia vitaboos, which I somad thru Praima), n Tolkien ( Lord o da Rings triology, read in bomu one, two n three, in bomu bo we read malkiat ching), but not Harry Potter – which he sed intros tois to sorcery.

Really? Wend at riposta did storos on Chochary the other day, I din’t see ‘Harry Botter’ books wit any of the wizards n witches. He thn sed two raydeo presenters – I is guessing Maina n Kingangi, wit side-kicks like Wakanai – have pulled down the ‘morality of the (Pulse) generashun.’ Really? Methinks many miros, young uns n ole geezers, already had morality iko down ka Eric Omosh akivaa sagging trousers. Akina Wakanai just tap in to this Nai immorality! Watu sku inzi ni mapoko wana-like bonoko!

The pastor then hit on Jay Z for being in the Illuminati ( pia sisi ni me-ba), Kanye West (man, dat guy like Obama sed is just a jackass wit attitude, but namlike), n Lady Gaga. That made me gag.

Oprah, whoseshows made me mwauraaa ( imma glaaad they’re over), accordin to M is a ‘new age spiritualist.’ N here I waz thinking she was just an old skool bore, who meks women cry over jack at her show!

Aaaron Rimbui ended the sermon for me on a real low, gassing about how gos-po peeps like him go 4 ‘TPF’ shows to ‘clean em up.’ Just confees, say the trut, n shame the devil. Sing this hymn after me: "It’s all about the money ... it’s all about the chinky chink chink, chinga-a-ling-a-ling!"