Handling a child who's struggling to cope

Handling a child who's struggling to cope (Photo: iStock) Parents face several challenges in the parenting journey. Gerald Wango, a counselling psychologist, says parents struggle to raise their children to be good, to work hard, to be humble and to learn how to treat others well. "All the while, in the parenting journey, parenting is navigating waters they have never been before, as parenting has no fixed instructions book, no certification programme or license, and most times, they find themselves in the deep dark sea and have to figure how to get out of this situation," says the Psychologist. Chris and Ann Marangu have found themselves in the "deep sea" while parenting their three sons and a daughter. The oldest is 19 and the youngest is eight. Ann remembers how difficult it was when they first started the parenting journey with the arrival of their firstborn. "It was a task that we thought as parents we were prepared for after attending so many pre-natal and post-natal coaching, but lo, little did we know that parenting was such a task," she says. Psychologist Wanga says parenting can be tough, but it can also be the most amazing and rewarding experience of a lifetime. "Watching your children grow from a one day old to a toddler, transitioning to a child, a teen and a young adult, and a productive, happy, successful adult, brings out an unexplainable feeling, unmatched by anything else that a parent has ever experienced," says the expert. However, he says, some manoeuvring through experience and advice from experts can make parenting a less daunting experience. The psychologist says the answer to many of the struggles and complexities that parents face as they raise their children lies in a simple question - the mystical 'And then what' question. "I will never forget when we first learned about the most important question in parenting that we learned the most important question as parents when our best couple taught us about it when we were struggling with our secondborn son - 'And then what?' question," says Chris. "This simple question has become important in our parenting task," says Ann. "That's it - And then what? - we have used this question repeatedly with ourselves and our three sons and daughter, and every time it has been successful," she says. The Marangus have used this question in their conversations when planning for events, vacations, school and family issues, and other incidents to overcome anorexia and manage anxiety and fear. How to apply 'and then what' Wanga advises parents to be prepared to ask this question several times. "The secret is to allow the children to get to the issue, concern, fear, or goal, and once the struggle is identified, as a parent you can then work on the real issue at hand, not the one you are getting from the conscious level," says the expert. He says the key to the power of this question is repetition-the parent should continue asking "And then what" until they have no other answers. Eventually, he says, the child will say, "I don't know." Chris says that when they first used this model, the scariest thing was hearing the affected child, either individually or collectively, answer, "I/we do not know." However, with time, they discovered that once the root cause of a struggle was identified, the fear would dissipate on its own. When the Marangus' firstborn turned 18, he was chosen to address an international conference on the role of youth in governance and leadership. Although he had been involved in many inter-high school debates on the subject, this was his first on an international podium. This was causing him extreme anxiety, stopping him from enjoying the experience. Instead of the normal reassurances that everything would be ok, the parents and the siblings posed the question - "And then what"? says the mother of four. The question she says, invited them as a family to imagine what might happen if the boy's fear turned out to be true, and how to deal with his fear. As it turned out, the fear he brought up was not the real fear - he doubted his ability to deliver on an international podium, doubting his capability as judged by his local performance. "And then what? Are you going to lose such a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity because of anxiety and fear?" His 13-year-old sister had posed - throwing him off balance. This led to a conversation about his presumed anxiety and fear." He got a standing ovation and accolades for his presentation. In another incident, their daughter was excited about her first trip outside the country that her school was championing. Chris and Ann knew that their daughter had not thought it through. However, instead of pointing out the things they hadn't thought of, the parents invited their daughter to come up with ideas by asking, "And then what?" The question, they say, encouraged the three to come up with possibilities. "We were no longer the owners of the conversation, but we stepped in to help (her) figure out how to make it happen," says Ann. As a result, their daughter's trip was a thrilling and memorable experience. Wanga says it is common to think about this important question and get nervous -- It is terrifying when you consider that it could be something that a parent is not prepared to answer or that the answer could be scary. He says the best part of this scenario is that if it happens, then at least the parents will know what the child is facing, and they will approach it together. This means, the parents can support the child through their fear and create a plan of action to do their best to protect the child against their fears.

Handling a child who's struggling to cope

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