Why men need stronger support systems more than ever

As old as time, communities helped raise boys into men. Fathers, uncles, elders, and mentors formed a village that nurtured character and a sense of belonging. That got lost along the way. Men have been expected to be self-reliant and silent in the midst of life’s challenges.

In June, Men’s Mental Health Awareness Month, there is renewed attention to the emotional, psychological, and social wellbeing of men and boys.

Inner child therapist and co-founder of Men of Fire Africa Ricqesh Parmar says that support systems for men are necessary. Since October last year, Men of Fire Africa has been hosting monthly Fire Circle events where men come together to realise their full potential and support one another. 

Ricqesh says that men need support systems for them to stop living isolated lives rather than bond with other men. This helps them to build trust and to share their life burdens together. When other men can challenge each other constructively, it can help them to be the best versions of themselves. When such spaces are lacking, men face loneliness and overwhelming stress around family, finances, work and relationships.

“When they face these challenges alone, it can lead them to seeking external vices in the form of unhealthy romantic relationships, drugs, alcohol and pornography, to name a few. This in turn can lead to addictions and treacherous paths which are very difficult to come out from,” Ricqesh notes.

He explains that men are conditioned to believe that seeking help is unmanly and that they should be able to do it on their own. If they cannot do it alone, then they are not men enough.

He elaborates that this kind of isolation leaves a man with his thoughts alone, and it can become a dark and scary place if the thoughts revolve around challenges.

“It means that their emotions can become unstable and they will seek social circles and environments which are not healthy for them. It can all lead to a downward spiral, which is why suicide in young men is so high,” he says.

Today’s men also go through pressure from social media and societal expectations. The unrealistic portrayal of success and masculinity puts young men under a lot of pressure to meet those standards early in life, leading to isolation and unhealthy coping patterns.

Ricqesh believes that social media cannot replace real-world human relationships. He shares that what men need most are strong, supportive communities that teach identity, purpose, integrity, commitment, vulnerability, and good morals.

The benefits of a strong support system are endless. Healthy communities are challenged by creating accountability, belonging, resilience and responsibility. He observes that when men step into their responsibility, it creates an unwavering inner strength. It then increases capacity to expand and face challenges.

“Community is everything in providing a man’s values. A man growing up in a community, or lack of a healthy masculine community, can define how a man shows up in this world. They are likely to move away from their purpose,” he says.

He also highlights the importance of communal initiation and support for boys transitioning into adulthood. A boy needs to be held safely in community, he says, so that their gifts can fully emerge into the world.

Men need mentors to provide objective guidance to help them live with integrity and honour. Unlike friends or family, he says, mentors offer a more neutral perspective focused on growth.

He advises men to look for mentors who have integrity and honour and who listen but can also be tough when they go astray. They should have gone through similar paths that they would like to explore. He encourages men to reach out for mentorship for different facets of life like business, spirituality, finances, and family.

“Mentorship can be a guiding light for men. It can help them stick to the right pack and support them into making healthy decisions. It offers the right help, especially where the mentor has trodden a similar path,” he says.

The absence of positive role models put many young men at risk to seek guidance from unhealthy influences and grow without strong and healthy values.

Ricqesh notes that such men will start to place their sense of worth in success such as work, business, and relationships. However, when there are challenges in these areas and they are overwhelmed by emotions, they are likely to go to mentors who may not show them a healthy path.

He further expresses that men need meaningful friendships to lean on each other and be authentically themselves.

“They can listen to each other, share goals and motivate each other, and regularly check in. Most importantly, that they can have pure fun with. Laugh and joke with each other and laugh until they cry,” he says.

He encourages them to hold friends accountable so that they don’t numb themselves through addictions of alcohol, drugs, or porn.

However, he points out that trust and fear of not being fully listened to prevent men from opening up to another. When that happens, then trust cannot be built for them to fully support each other.

He notes that men struggling in silence show signs of withdrawal, mood changes, altered routines, changed eating habits, stopping being physically active, and increased reliance on distractions such as watching too much TV.

Ricqesh encourages men to seek or build supportive communities through men's groups and events, workshops, martial arts, boxing or shared interest spaces to meet like-minded people. Then slowly build trust with other men and long-lasting friendships and relationships. To feel and process emotions safely, he advises journaling, creativity, therapy and group work, as it improves mental health and limits isolation.

He urges families, workplaces, faith communities, and society to support men and surround them with love and support them through challenges.

“Recognise their gifts. Celebrate their successes together. Work out what that man or boy needs to hone their skills in order to succeed. Teach them the importance of character for men in this world,” he says.