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The massive downside to getting married

By Mirror | Updated Fri, May 19th 2017 at 13:08 GMT +3
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As lovely as it no doubt is to get married, no one could be blamed for pausing to think, ‘is planning a wedding really worth it?’

Yes, being married supposedly makes you better off and, in a slap to the face for single people, reportedly means you to live longer.

Then again, there's the cost , the stress, the weird family politics and the pressure you put yourself under to get everything just-so.

There's another downside to going down the wedding path, and not many newlyweds talk about it.

Post-wedding shame

Different to 'hangover shame', where you basically feel bad because you acted like a tool the night before, post-wedding shame is not "shame that's over, what an ace day".

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It's a deep-seated shame that the whole day, the entire £20k enterprise was FAILURE and it is much, much trickier to shrug off than a standard hangover cringey flashback.

One woman who recently got married told Ravishly exactly how bad this shame can be.

Judge for yourself whether you think it's warranted or not.

"My partner and I recently got married after ten years together. We decided on a smaller wedding for budget reasons (and sanity)," she began.

She admitted they "did have a wonderful day with close friends and family, despite some rain and other mishaps. I was never one to obsess over weddings, and our planning was not extensive.

It's been weighing on the woman's mind, even months after her wedding

"I felt great the day of the wedding, but the 'hangover' (not just alcohol related) was pretty awful. This wedding happened months ago, but I still feel absolute shame over the event.”

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"A handful of people could not come at the last minute due to family emergencies, weather, etc., and a lot of folks left early in the night which left an embarrassingly small dance crowd. I was also so absolutely horrified to be the centre of such attention, so I hardly remember our ceremony as my mind was a blur (which makes me really regretful). "

It wasn't just a 'numbers' issue either. Looking over the pictures has caused the newlywed a lot of distress.

"I slouched in all the photos. Nobody sat in the front rows at all, so the photos show a bunch of empty plastic chairs, which looks awkward.

"There were no sunsets, a good friend was missing, two people no-showed entirely, and my bra strap is showing in one photo. These were just some of the things that felt very 'less than.'"

The woman continues, "I know people experience some type of letdown after weddings.

"Mine was all related to thinking it was just inadequate, despite having a wonderful time in the thick of the day. How weird.

"Now, all of these complaints sound minor, and honestly petty (to myself included). Even worrying about this stuff makes me feel slightly weird or guilty, especially months later!

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"I think (one of) the real issues here is that my partner and I were the centre of an event (about us!) and it just wasn't 'good enough.'

"Telling myself this is 'stupid' or insignificant and to just 'get over it' (my self-talk) is not helpful at all. I also realise this may go deeper than 'just the wedding,' however this is my current "shame event" if you will."

Aside from striking cold, cold fear into the hearts of anyone who's getting married soon, this is a worrying and revealing insight into a side of getting married no one really talks about.

The woman on Ravishly was given advice by columnist Erin Khar , who seemed to think there were other things at play.

"You mentioned at the end of your email that this is your 'current shame event.'

"Patterns like this can be hardwired, like playing an old tape of lies, over and over. As bad as the shame feels, it may be familiar.

"If this resonates, I encourage you to seek the guidance of a therapist, because I imagine it is affecting other parts of your life, too.

"Don't be so hard on yourself for what you're feeling. Rather, take the time and space to get clear on what it is that's actually upsetting you."

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There is, without a doubt, a huge amount of pressure in couples to deliver the Insta-worthy goods.

But if getting married elicits this sort of reaction - even months later - it might be time to re-examine what it is we're putting ourselves through. 



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