Kenya’s prison breaks

By John Gerezani

It’s arguably one of the most popular programmes to grace our TV screens. So fascinating it is that it appeals to both sexes as well as all age groups. I am referring to ‘Prison Break,’ the TV series.

Human beings are naturally wired to side with chaps who plot and actually succeed in beating the system, and netizens are no exception. The only difference is that jail breaks in this country have long been inspired and instigated by factors other than those espoused by the make-believe world of Hollywood.

They are as varied as they are mind-boggling, amusing and absurd. Anytime there is an escape, stress lands here as numerous headcounts are conducted amid deafening siren blares, while our fingers remain crossed lest the now fidgety smarters go bonkers and crack a few skulls. That has never stopped the next break from being conceived by the foolhardy.

A warder jumps over a fence in hunt for inmates who had escaped from Prison. Prison breaks are sometimes planned by warders as a revolt against overbearing bosses. Picture:File

Take Mutinda for instance. The brother had been handed two years in the slammer for simple theft but after only a week, the homesick brother had made up his mind to take a hike. As usual, an escapee never shares his plans with anyone before the D-day lest an informer picks the scent and squeals. So on the appointed day, Mutinda dutifully joined his gang for duty in the expansive neti farm. Having drawn the escape route before hand, the brother pulled the rear as the others were going on with work. He took that opportunity to send a smarter to the nearby canteen with the rider ‘keep change.’ By the time he came back, Mutinda was in the clear.

Money trick

Njoroh on the other hand did not have to go through these hassles. A well heeled smooth-operator, the chap simply fixed with the neti nurse to give him a referral to the provincial hospital. Escorted by two armed smarters, he immediately went for any smarter’s Achilles — money. "Look here chaps, why don’t you escort me to any nearby ATM so that I withdraw some chwaa? I will give each of you a decent cut," he asked the more malleable one with an added assurance that he would also cover the cost of hiring a taxi.

Well, the greedy smarters did not know that they had fallen into a trap and were being shadowed by Njoroh’s close associates from the underworld. No sooner had they withdrawn the chwaa than Njoroh was spirited away to freedom by the gang.

There have been tales also about black magic and albino like penises and fingers having made their way into some cells prior to jail breaks, with elaborate occult ceremonies taking place in the dead of the night on the eve of the action. However, I promise to keep you posted the moment a horse I am mollycoddling opens its mouth, having been nabbed after one such break.

Unbeknown to many is that some of the smartest escapes are always plotted by disenchanted smarters as a way of disciplining and overbearing or corrupt Officer-in-Charge. Forget for a moment the long winded stories about chaps jumping over 40ft high walls and disappearing into the night. Those are myths and tales for the un-initiated.

Boss demoted

In a certain neti, a high handed boss met his match when wily smarters smuggled in an extra pair of staff uniform, dressed a netizen in it and proceeded to help him walk past the well guarded gates in broad daylight. Confronted with news that an escape had been manoeuvred through his post, all that the gate-keeper could meekly say was that all those who had passed through the gate under his watch were dressed in official staff uniform. The smarters eventually had the last laugh when the boss was demoted and transferred for dereliction of duty.

Over time, I have seen many neti bosses put on the defensive whenever escapes occur courtesy of the refined and time tested tradition.

My take for the coolest jailbreak, however, goes to the dude who made a master key for the court cells and confidently walked away to freedom in full glare of his minders, some with whom he even exchanged pleasantries on his way out. Up to this day, smarters swear that the dude used juju. "Alitufunga macho Johnny," one told me. If you want to get the nitty gritty of how it truly happened, keep a date with me here.