Kenyan English has come of age

By John Kariuki

As a ‘career eavesdropper’ — Kenyans think if you do something so often, it becomes a profession — I can say our English has come of age.

I often hear people say: Kizungu ilikuja na meli (English got here aboard a ship) — a funny way to refer to the early explorers. However, I feel that our unique idioms should be entered into standard dictionaries.

We have tried as much as possible to Kenyanise English such that foreigners need translations.

A Kenyan will definitely understand when another says: " Greet your mother for me or I am going to eat Christmas at home." A Kenyan will also understand what it means to say: "You can’t me."

The best place to experience Kenyan English is at public functions. If you are a keen listener, you will hear that people are still "borrowing permission" (seeking permission) to be out at events.

Women are always "receiving" a whole range of baffling things including babies. And in what they believed to be the high point of academia, educated Kenyans routinely threaten to deal with their adversaries in such a way that "they will know me". Yet others order that their guests be, "increased tea and food" without batting an eyelid.

If you are keen enough, you will note every function has an attendee who frequently drops big and showy words as if from a watering can like shenzi type, Wisconsin, nincompoop, dimwits and scallywag. Such names may be directed to the hosts and their accomplices or any wayward individual. And the hottest craze now in veneration of Kenyan vocabulary is alluding to ‘The List of Shame’ and The Hague Option in reference to perceived wrong doers and the proposed action against them respectively.

Other hot words doing the round are the Committee of Experts, meaning any kangaroo court that can hang you and jipange that implies that you are on your own, especially romantically.

Mutilating standard English

You see, most Kenyans have no qualms about ‘mutilating’ Standard English. In one event, a sports buff recently reported to us that Kenya was "presented very well in a recent international athletics meet".

Taking our grins as approval of his observation, this chap went on, apparently oblivious of the grammatical error of presented instead of saying represented. Putting blame for his local football team’s defeat on lack of sports shoes, he concluded: "You know these village boys play empty footed."

Scores of MCs daily shout ungrammatical orders, reinforcing Kenyan English. Witness the following gems: Stand in lines (queue up), enter into house (get into the house) and you people are actually trying (I envy your track record at your work). A lady of some worth once intimated that she had to, "catch my hair at the back (tie my hair in a pony tail with a rubber band)," for lack of a thorough a hairdo.

Other daily blunders at functions are: speak with English or Kiswahili (for the sake of non-vernacular speakers), "Close the water", and "Return the door" (turn off the tap, close the door) and "Days are really going", (meaning you were much younger the last time the person saw you).

Call to applaud

I overheard a woman inviting her friends to a chama meeting with a baffling call: "The place is on and we can go", (in all possibility she meant that the venue was ready and they could proceed to the meeting).

And don’t we hear the ubiquitous call to applaud at functions customised Kenyan style as: "Clap him three times?"

At a typical workplace brief, even bosses go the Kenyan English way and demand: "Can someone open us with a word of prayer?" And there "being no any other business" they often ask: "Can someone close us with a word of prayer".

And have heard some people introducing themselves?

It is common to hear: " Hallos or good mornings, my names are…"

At an event I attended, the host was suddenly called away. His bosom friend stood at the dais and snappily explained the sudden development. "I have taken over this home in the meantime."

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