We are in high spirits despite bleak 2014

By GRACE NAKATO

KENYA: Last year was a year of kavuyo (drama). From the Executive Director of Kampala Capital City Authority locking horns with the Lord Mayor, to the porn clubs at universities and the burning of Owino market (Uganda’s Gikomba) at the start of December. There was never a dull moment in the Pearl of Africa.

The drink-driving Bill (not to be confused with drunk driving) was circumvented by wily Ugandans conniving with boda boda men to skip traffic checkpoints. And thus many of us have been able to ‘jump’ to 2014.

Twenty-fourteen does not look promising. There is nothing much to smile about. We may be forced to drown our sorrows in the proverbial bottle.

Morality comes at a cost. In case you missed the news as you celebrated the festive season, Ugandan MPs chose December as the time to pass an anti-gay law that sets life imprisonment as the maximum penalty for the new offence of “aggravated homosexuality”.

This means there will be less donor funds for us to siphon, and also government shall be looking to us to feed its bloated budget.

The anti-pornography Bill outlaws anything that shows sexual parts of a person such as breasts, thighs, buttocks or any erotic behaviour intended to cause sexual excitement or any indecent act or behaviour tending to corrupt morals.

This means we forget Beyonce or Miley Cyrus gracing our living rooms via TV, let alone holding a concert here. This means music videos and X-rated movies shall also become pricier and will only be available on the black market.

Never forgetting that the miniskirt, ‘bendover’ and ‘twerking’ will definitely make you a guest of the state. I wonder: Does this mean that Big Brother will not only listen to my conversations, he will also check out what sites I visit, lest I get excited and act indecently?

Earning a living or staying healthy will only be for the elite and morally upright. Rural-to-urban migration has been quietly banned.

Government will soon decree that national identity cards will not qualify one for employment, education, travel or healthcare in the country. The IDs are not freely available, seeing as this project falls under the Ministry of Internal Affairs and it is an army project.

Therefore, there shall soon be no ghost workers, meaning no supplementary income and thus increased crime.

Citizens of Kenya, Uganda and Rwanda, come 2014, are supposed to only require voters cards or national IDs or student IDs to travel within the three countries.

We are again handicapped as a nation because most of us do not vote. Perhaps this is M7’s secret weapon to ensure he gets a head count of what the real numbers in the 2016 elections could be. Also this can be a way of getting indicative numbers of our population for the national census that never was.

Not to worry, we are Ugandans — forever resilient, even when the outlook is bleak.

That is why I will be at the accounts office for advance to survive January, and still need a cheque for school fees on February 3. Tusaba gavumenti etuyambe (Government needs to help us).