He made me feel worthless, now I can’t move on

Hi Chris!

I’m 36 and recently left a six-year relationship. It started out well, but pretty soon my boyfriend started putting me down. He’d compliment other women, telling me and anyone who’d listen that they were beautiful, intelligent and sexy. He stopped complimenting me, and would constantly point out my insecurities, vulnerabilities and weaknesses. According to him, I was never good enough, and no matter what I do, his words still pop up in my head when I least expect them. I feel worthless, even though it’s been over a year since I left the relationship. What can I do? 

Liz

Hi Liz!

Sadly, there are people who take a delight in putting everyone else down. Usually because they’re a good deal less secure than they appear. So in order to boost their own confidence, they undermine someone else.

They need someone who’s dependent on them, so they go to a lot of trouble to get into relationships. By being charming and highly attentive. But their basic insecurity emerges sooner or later. And just as you experienced, they soon start to pick on their partner’s vulnerabilities. They point out the slightest mistake, make every possible unkind comparison, and work on every weakness. Unlike a good partner, who helps you become more confident, their aim is to make you more insecure than they are themselves.

So you clearly made the right choice when you decided to end the relationship! And that should be your first thought any time you feel bad: what a good decision you made to get away from someone who was so endlessly negative. But it won’t be easy to get those put downs out of your head.

So challenge every one as it pops up. Sometime when you’re feeling good, make a list of all your achievements. And think about one of them anytime you’re feeling down. Look over your list of friends, and deliberately spend time with the ones who make you feel good. Take up some new interests, and master a new skill. Anything from learning a new recipe to taking up a new sport!

Recovering from a relationship like yours can be very hard work. So don’t be afraid to seek professional help. You need to find a counsellor who’s skilled in Cognitive Behavioural Therapy, which is especially effective at dealing with negative thoughts. And so you’ll quickly get back on track.

All the best,

Chris