Is she a victim of date-rape

It’s the holiday season and the teens may want to explore through dates. As a parent, you need to protect your child from sexual predators, warns JOHN MUTURI

The April holidays are here and it is the beginning of nightmares for some parents. With children at home alone most of the time, it’s difficult to keep a tab on who they are hanging out with.

As the patron of the youth in our church, I’m always asked to help in tackling challenging situations the youngsters face. Most teens prefer to confide in me rather than in their parents. It’s always my pleasure when I counsel them and see the relief on their faces.

However, during last year’s December holidays, I stumbled on a case I felt inadequate to handle and sought the youth pastor’s counsel.

This young girl came to me and she spoke in a low shaky voice, as if she was scared of something. She told me that she was not a popular girl in school and does not get much attention from the boys. So when a boy from a neighbouring church asked her out for the second time, she was ‘elated’.

She liked him and was beginning to believe that he liked her, too. I could read the innocence on her face. When they went out a second time in broad daylight, the young man led her to a quiet place. The girl thought they would just talk but the boy started to caress and kiss her. She confessed that she kept blaming herself for not saying no sooner, but then she wanted him to like her and had no idea that he would force himself on her.

I interrupted her: "But you said no, and you told him you didn’t want to do that, didn’t you?"

Professional help

PShe said, "Yes I did. So why did he do it?"

I realised that she needed professional help because she was going through psychological trauma. I explained my dilemma and the pain the girl was going through to our youth pastor. He clarified to me that the girl, like so many victims of date rape, was experiencing conflicting emotions and feelings of depression.

There was guilt about having had intercourse with the boy, combined with hate and loathing both for the boy and for herself. But the strongest emotion was an overwhelming sense of shame.

THERAPY

It was only after she participated in therapy that she was able to accept herself again and accept that it wasn’t her fault.

The youth pastor took her through a series of therapy sessions before arranging a seminar for the youth focusing on rape.

He explained that date rape was on the increase, particularly among teenagers, and only a small percentage reported the incident.

He made it clear to the youngsters that as soon as the victim says ‘no’ and then sexual touching or other sexual activity occurs, it is rape or sexual assault that attracts severe penalty.

This type of assault may be committed primarily out of anger or a need to feel powerful or to dominate another person. While many innocent boys rationalise their actions as a result of their being carried away by strong sexual drives, there is no excuse for this behaviour.

THE CAUSES

So what precipitates this behaviour? One reason is that it’s now socially acceptable among today’s teenagers, indeed even desirable, to engage in sex prior to marriage and the only question that remains is not ‘if’ but ‘when’.

Both boys and girls know this, and it has transformed the psychological atmosphere of going out together.

Current social practices are also contributing to this feeling. In the past, boys and girls went out in groups but today’s teenagers and adolescents go out in pairs. This social climate makes boys more assertive in their sexual demands and girls less forceful in their resistance.

Many young innocent date-rape victims believe that once they have said no and the boy persists, they have no choice but to give in.

But the truth is, the victims have a choice, and there are things they can do to avoid or at least minimise the possibility of date rape.

What girls and parents can do

It is important for girls to learn to express themselves more forcibly so that their words convey the true strength of their opposition.

Common sense practices such as double-dating and going out only with groups are safeguards against sexual assault.

Avoiding alcohol or drugs, which might impair judgment, also helps.

Obviously, some date rapes cannot be avoided. And by advocating measures that the girl can take, it is not a suggestion that she is responsible or is in any way inviting rape.

Parents should educate their sons and daughters that rape is not only morally and ethically wrong but also a punishable crime.