Ruto's last-ditch effort to steer 'goonverment' as El-Nino floods loom

President William Ruto during a Press briefing. [File, Standard]

Here’s the speech that Prezzo Bill Ruto should have made in last night’s address to the nation:

Fellow Kenyans, I have chosen to address the nation at this critical juncture when members of my party, UDA, are decamping as though the party is on fire. I can hear chants of “wantam,” but I consider that as porojo. I have a country to run. Elections are still one year away, and when that time comes, I’ll deal with those planless and clueless individuals who call themselves united alternative government.