When women pay their dowry: Stories of sacrifice, love, regret

A Kenyan traditional wedding. (Courtesy) Should a woman pay her own dowry? This is a question many Kenyans on social media debated after a middle-aged woman claimed she paid her own dowry for a man who later abandoned her. Purity Wambui, the woman in question, revealed on social media that she got married in 2004 and single-handedly paid her own dowry of Sh40,000. Her revelation sparked intense reactions, with many social media users questioning her motivation for doing so. According to Wambui, she was deeply in love with a man she identified as Mutembei, despite his financial struggles. Since she was financially stable at the time, she did not hesitate when her now estranged husband asked her to cover the wedding expenses, including the dowry, which he promised to reimburse later. Interestingly, she not only funded the wedding but also built a house and rental properties, listing his name on the sale agreements, despite his lack of contribution. "At that time, I was financially stable, so I opted to pay my own dowry since he could not afford it," Wambui revealed. "I also built rental houses in his name." However, 13 years later, the marriage collapsed due to what she described as toxicity and abuse. "The man I duly loved and helped grow turned out to be a narcissist, sometimes beating me like a burukenge in the full glare of my children. When I entered marriage in 2004, I was a young, brilliant and a beautiful damsel that everybody admired. However, when I left the marriage in 2021, I was one heartbroken, old and hopeless woman. I walked out one depressed and hypertensive lady," she said. Financial challenges Mary Kiloko from Mwingi also confessed to paying her own dowry, though her marriage remains intact. Having married in 2011, she is now celebrating 15 years of marriage and has no regrets. Unlike Wambui, Mary is happy with her decision, as she has an understanding, honest, and faithful husband. She explained that her parents' pressure to formalize the dowry payment led her to take the initiative. Reverend Clifford Mulamula of Victors Church Ruai sees no issue with a woman paying her own dowry. According to him, dowry is not just an appreciation for the bride's parents but also a cultural obligation. "Dowry payment is a rite of passage in African culture. Whoever pays it has fulfilled a cultural duty and is therefore free to receive dowry for their daughters in the future," Mulamula stated. He also noted that in certain situations, a woman paying her own dowry might be justified. "If she is a widow and needs to fulfill a cultural rite, should she not do it? If she is financially independent while her husband is jobless, as long as they agree, what is the issue? The Bible does not specify who should pay dowry." Supporting these sentiments, Reverend Patrick Wambua explained that dowry plays a significant role in many African traditions. "In my community, if you never paid dowry for your parents, you cannot receive dowry from your children's marriages. If you did not slaughter a bull during your dowry ceremony, you are not allowed to receive one when your daughter gets married. The tradition is reciprocal." However, Reverend Mulamula also cautioned that in many cases, women feel pressured to pay their own dowry due to demands from their parents. Recipe for disaster Marriage and relationship expert Jane Mugo, however, advises against women paying their own dowry. She argues that it can damage a man's ego, leading to inferiority complexes that later cause conflict in the marriage. "It's a recipe for disaster. Many women who have taken this path are now regretting it. Over time, men feel belittled, and any minor provocation can lead to resentment. It's better for a man to take his time and pay dowry himself rather than have the woman do it." She also warned that women who pay their own dowry may develop a sense of entitlement in the marriage. "Some women become overbearing, feeling they now have the upper hand since they paid dowry themselves. But you cannot force love. In most cases, this arrangement results in forced relationships that eventually break down." Mugo emphasised that dowry payment should be a mutual agreement and not an obligation imposed on a man. "Dowry is not a matter of life and death. The couple should agree without undue pressure. I have seen women complain about this, yet no one forced them to do it. In some cases, women had hidden agendas when making the payment. In my view, dowry is a man's responsibility, and he should not be pressured into paying it."

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When women pay their dowry: Stories of sacrifice, love, regret

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