Male GBV: If men cannot stand up for themselves, no one will

Two cases of Gender-Based Violence (GBV) occurred in the past week. In one, a young woman was publicly exposed and humiliated. In another, a man was reportedly scalded with hot water by his partner. Both incidents are greatly disturbing, yet the public reaction to each couldn’t have been more different.

One would have expected the outrage to be equal, if not greater, for the man, given the circumstances. But that has not been the case. The uproar on social media in solidarity with the young lady literally drowned the few voices calling attention to the violence visited on the man. This raises a very uncomfortable but necessary question: Who speaks for men?

It is tempting to conclude that society is biased in favour of women and quick to dismiss men’s issues but this is not entirely true. In fact, some of the loudest voices condemning violence against women are men themselves. The latest incident is a perfect example. The problem is deeper than it looks.

Many of us were raised in a culture that prized endurance. Growing up in the '80s and '90s, we were taught that patience, even in the face of outright abuse and disrespect, was a virtue. Speaking up was considered shameful. We were warned against ‘washing dirty linens in public’ and encouraged to keep our struggles, our pains to ourselves. Silence became a badge of honour and those who attempted to speak were deemed uncultured.

And then came the ‘mad, difficult women’ who broke the silence.

Women’s issues are loud today because bold women chose to speak up. Women who refused to be silenced at home, in the office or in the political arena. Women who decided that discrimination and unfair treatment towards themselves, their mothers, their sisters and their daughters would end with them. Feminism was never about placing women on some pedestal above men. It was a firm collective voice that said “we are here, and we matter”. And the gains are evident today.

It is common to see women rally around one another regardless of their age, race or class because they understand this is a collective cause. Women got here because they realised no one was coming to save them. Men would benefit if they picked this lesson fast.

Society’s demand for stoicism and strength from men along with the expectation that they must endure everything, is not only unreasonable but also harmful. Men who speak up are often mocked, doubted or bullied into retreat, even by fellow men. Worse still, male leaders and public figures often shy away from condemning violence against men for fear of appearing socially incorrect. Nothing could be more misguided.

Dear men, understand this: No one is coming to save you. You only have yourselves. Women have a voice today not because it was handed to them on a silver platter, but because they built it. They refused to be silenced. They were called names, accused of exuding ‘masculine energy’, declared unmarriageable and labelled ungovernable, but they did not stop. If men want their suffering to be taken seriously, then they must be ready to do the same uncomfortable work.

That means speaking up, defending one another, raising resources for legal support of victims and publicly demanding justice. It means refusing to join those who mock male victims and choosing, instead, to amplify their voices. I look forward to the day male leaders hold press conferences to condemn violence against a man. I wait for the day when men will take to the streets demanding justice for one of their own who has been sidelined.

Shame is one of the most effective tools of abuse. As long as the victims are quiet, abusers thrive. Speaking out is not a betrayal of strength but an acknowledgment that vulnerability is also a reflection of it. We do not win by backing off. We win by standing our ground, defending our truth and demanding to be treated right because, when it comes to GBV, as activist Audre Lorde once observed, “there are so many silences to be broken”.

Ms Wekesa is a development communication consultant