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Peasant Shamba livestock invent tactics to escape Christmas knife

By Godfrey Ombogo | Updated Sat, December 24th 2016 at 00:00 GMT +3
Peasant Shamba Livestock Evolve from Christmas Helplessae to Anti-Christmas Militantae! PHOTO: STANDARD

If you have read real books like the Peasant Farmer has, you must have spent many hours of your life studying the evolution of man.

You must have suspended belief in your Sunday school manenos about Adamu na Hawa na matunda ya Shamba la Edeni, and taken the claims that sisi wanaadamu were wild bushmen.

You must have found out that mamilioni na mamilioni ya miaka iliyopita, humans competed with KWS fauna to kimbiza swara and eat them laivu laivu! You realised that your great, great, great grandparents to infinity were Homo Habilis (handy man), with a brain the size of a chimpanzee's and that they used stone tools.

 You further realised these wahenga wa zamani sana sana gave way to your other ancestors called Homo Erectus (upright man) and really started walking on two feet without bending. Later, they became Homo Ergaster (working man) and finally yourself, Homo Sapien (wise or thinking man). Imagine that as you read this, you are a thinker!

Anyway, the Peasant Farmer has recently begun to notice that his livestock are evolving fast. They have moved from being Homo-Christmas Helplessiae who are just caught and cooked to being Anti-Christmassae Militantae, who fight anyone who wants to feast on them.

They have studied the behaviours of us Homo Sapiens, and decided that enough is enough! The livestock of today are not the livestock of zama zetu when Christmas was Christmas! From the Jogoos to the Senges to the Ndume's, mambo yanabadilika.

Whereas it was easy to just timua kuku or mbuzi or ng'ombe mbio, catch it, slaughter it and turn it into tumbukiza or chemsha or choma, today's shamba livestock seem to have changed. They no longer lalia maskio hapo!

For one, they have grown to notice when festivities are approaching. With many strangers coming from town in hired vehicles and strange English accent and goggles, the livestock immediately sense danger. They immediately jikusanya and whisper to each other secret codes to connote that the danger of being eaten is real.

This is their code blue. When these strangers, after inspecting the livestock, dip into their pockets and unleash pregnant wallets, the livestock raise their danger code to code orange and begin to put in place defensive strategies.

They prepare their limbs and wings and teeth and horns in readiness for battle. They even breathe in sana so that they look thin so as not to be bought. They stop eating, to reduce weight and avoid their homes.

 In fact, they start sleeping while standing and only with one eye closed. When one of them is finally caught and sold to the stranger, all hell breaks loose. The livestock declare code red and start a mad stampede, biting Homo Sapiens, kicking them and boring at them with their horns.

The wanyama have even started walking with knives, mishale na bunduki for self-protection. So, if this festive season you go without meat, blame evolution theory for creating Anti-Christmassae Militantaes.

Happy Holidays to all my readers.

 

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