Thieves, saints and scholars: Ten hilarious types of shamba boys

Thieves, saints and scholars: Ten hilarious types of shamba boys In Kenya, gardeners - or shamba boys, as they are colloquially known - come in many forms. Finding a reliable one can feel like winning the lottery. If they're not flirting with your house help or a relative, they are walking off with your valuables without a trace. Below are 10 distinct types of shamba boys you're likely to encounter in Kenya. 1. The spy You may think you've hired a humble gardener, but this one behaves like an undercover detective. He carries out his duties diligently, even impressively, and though you remain suspicious, he never gives you solid grounds to dismiss him. Generous and financially stable, he might even lend you money during hard times - all while keeping a close eye on everything. 2. The multitasker A handyman extraordinaire. He is your children's teacher, plumber, electrician, and sometimes even an IT technician when your laptop won't work. When he's around, the household runs smoother than ever. If there's a crisis, he's the first responder - truly the Swiss Army knife of shamba boys. 3. The learned one Armed with a university degree, he took the job out of necessity. Economic hardship forced him into this role, though he carries it out with quiet dignity. You'll be astonished when he helps your children ace their maths exams with ease. But don't get too comfortable - once his dream job appears, he vanishes without a goodbye - or even collecting his final pay. 4. The perpetually broke He's endearing, but financially chaotic. Within the first two weeks, he's requesting salary advances, citing an endless parade of family emergencies, sick relatives, or funeral contributions. By month's end, he's broke - again - and tactfully asking for help. More often than not, his woes are connected to his drinking binges that drain his pockets. 5. The thief From the day he's hired, items begin to disappear. It may take weeks before you connect the dots - by which time your valuables are long gone. Often driven by substance abuse, he steals anything he can get his hands on. 6. The lazy bone Always the last to rise, he leaves tasks incomplete and slacks off when not monitored, sitting, sleeping or relaxing around. But the moment you appear, he springs into action like a seasoned actor. 7. Team mafisi This smooth operator flirts with anything in a skirt. If you're not careful, your daughters - or even your wife - might be next in line. Even in his servant quarter, you will regularly find him entertaining a house girl or some neighbour next door. 8. The dirty and disorganised A walking disaster. His shirts are perpetually stained, his trousers torn, and his scent unmistakably earthy. Personal hygiene is a foreign concept. He moves through the garden with mud-caked boots, leaving chaos in his wake. To him, this slovenliness is simply "part of the job." 9. Mlevi (Drunkard) He shows up reeking of alcohol or chewing on miraa (khat), his eyes glassy and movements sluggish. He insists these substances help him work, though the results say otherwise. Slurred speech and clumsy work follow, and sooner or later, he becomes more of a liability than an asset. 10. The born-again Polite, respectful, and God-fearing, he informs you from day one that he observes the Sabbath and won't work on Sundays. You'll often find him quietly reading his Bible during breaks. He may even lead impromptu prayer sessions and evangelise to your family or other workers. While his faith is unwavering, it sometimes overshadows his performance at work.

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