When looks go south

By Zawadi Lompisha

I have a confession. I am going through a phase. Correction — I have been going through a phase for the last two years and it keeps metamorphosing.

One morning I woke up and decided I was embarrassing my husband with my looks. Before your imagination goes into overdrive, let me make it clear that I’m not unattractive. You can wipe that grin off your face because it is true.

I don’t wear Mother’s Union or Women’s Guild sorts of clothes and neither do I have any issues with a touch of make up. I’m an urban girl who has learnt how to put herself together and is happy with how she looks. Oh, sorry…was happy with how she looked.

It is important to put effort in looking good for your mate, but be careful to keep insecurity at bay. Photo: Pius Cheruiyot/standard/picture posed by models

It all began with me studying other couples and trying to figure out if they looked good together. Eventually, I turned the light on my husband and I, — and didn’t like what I saw. I compared myself with other women and thought I was a disappointment to my husband.

Negative self judgement

The self-talk was the worst thing. "Look at you. Your hair is a mess," I told myself. Perhaps if I remembered that my hormones were still trying to recover from two years of breastfeeding, I’d have been kinder on myself. But I continued: "As for your hairstyles, let’s not even go there. People who knew you in high school would recognise that one hairstyle that you have worn all your life. Your clothes are not bad but where is the oomph in them? They are trendy but somehow when you wear them, they don’t look as good".

I didn’t listen to the self-talk too much but the message got home. When my husband and I were driving home that evening, I informed him that I was on a mission to change how I look because I didn’t think I looked good enough for him. My husband — God bless his heart — was astounded, because I have never really had a problem with my looks and he knows it. He didn’t say anything about my declaration that day apart from a few grunts and nods here and there. The same week, he bought me a book that reminded me not to get lost in the physical but to remember the inner person.

Question is: Do looks really matter? Sometimes, one spouse believes in looks more than the other and many times, truth be told, it’s the woman.

when it weighs you down

When you pray everyday that you will not get invited to a wedding, dinner or such place because you’d be stressed about what to wear, then the looks department is weighing down on you. I have done it and I’m still doing it.

I will give any excuse not to attend a function where people will be accompanied by their spouses because all other wives, except I, will be looking hot.

Interesting thing is, when I don’t have a choice but to go and everybody comments on how nice I look — I wonder if they’re just doing it because they know what I’m going through, even though I know they don’t.

Insecurity creeps in

When the pictures are out, I keep staring at this nice-looking lady in the photos who appears a lot like me! One of the things I have learnt as I walk this journey is that allowing ourselves to be preoccupied with good looks can become a source of insecurity, not only in our minds but in our marriages as well.

Magazines and TVs are full of perfect people: no pimples, no cellulite, no dead-looking hair because the baby has milked you dry (literally)! The good news is that this physical beauty is not in any way, a measure of how happily married a couple is.

A happy marriage is about respect and accepting each other just the way we are, the physical notwithstanding.

Let’s face it. Many of us are not drop-dead gorgeous. We will never be approached to feature on the cover of Woman’s Instinct. That’s not a bad thing though, because marriages are about personality. You can be as beautiful as the sun but if you are self-absorbed and don’t treat others with respect, chances are, you will not be a good spouse.

Your beauty will not help you at that point because your spouse relates with the person underneath that beautiful cover.

Some of my friends have called the phase I am in, midlife crisis, but when I talk to women older than I am, they say I am yet to get to my midlife.

I like blaming my shopping sprees on ‘the phase’ when my husband wants to give me a hard time about overspending. I don’t particularly enjoy ‘falling out of love’ with my new clothes after wearing them just a few times. The one thing I am reminding myself though, is that if it is not good for my marriage then it can’t be good for me.