Mubaba time: Embracing cross generational love

Beyond financial security, older men bring emotional maturity, life experience, and a readiness to settle down, qualities that appeal to women who are looking for stability (Photo: iStock) Laura Wamoto had just fallen out with her college boyfriend with whom she had a baby when she met her online heartthrob. He was 50. She was 23. Her baby was five. Six months into the online relationship, Friedrich Leo, a Berlin-based German native traveled to Kenya to meet Laura. He had been divorced for seven years, after a 24-year marriage, and now wanted to settle down again. His visit was pegged on one agenda; to propose to Laura. Having been heartbroken by her college boyfriend, Laura had vowed never to date a man her age again. That is when she went online to look for love. Here was 'God' answering, fast. They tied the knot and without looking back Laura relocated to Berlin. For a year, she has been living there happily ever after. Laura did not care much about what her family members would make of her getting married to a man more than twice her age. They tried to persuade her to rethink her move. "It is my life," she said. "It is my choice. What is wrong with marrying an older man if he is the love of my choice". In today's world, relationships are changing. Gen Z's approach to marriage is also shifting. This shift in romantic preferences goes beyond the conventional boundaries of love and attraction, as younger individuals seek partners who offer emotional maturity, financial stability, and life experience. While these relationships often face societal scrutiny and stereotypes, many young people find fulfilment in older partners who, they say, bring a different kind of depth and security to the table. According to the Merriam-Webster Dictionary, Gerontophilia or gerontosexuality is the primary sexual attraction to older people. Maryann Anyango, 24, prefers dating older men. While men her age can be fun, she finds them flaky, self-centred and insecure. She believes her Gen Z peers are often unstable regarding goals and commitments. "Forget the stereotypes," she says. "Dating a 47-year-old while I'm young is cool. He's mature, knows what I need, and isn't needy emotionally. Plus, he knows how to provide without creating extra baggage." Maryann speaks for many women her age, drawn to older men for reasons beyond the conventional. Social media and dating apps have made meeting older men easier for young women. These relationships are often driven by clear, calculated goals rather than mere love, including financial stability, emotional maturity, and long-term commitment. In Kenya, older men are often referred to as "mubabas," primarily due to their financial stability. As they are usually more established in their careers and businesses, these men offer a sense of security not always found in younger men. For many, financial stability means a comfortable, potentially lavish future. "I'm not dating for the money, but for the good company and peace of mind," Maryann clarifies. Beyond financial security, older men bring emotional maturity, life experience, and a readiness to settle down, qualities that appeal to women who are looking for stability. Many of these women find comfort in a partner who is not only financially secure but also capable of providing emotional support and guidance. Older men have lived through life's ups and downs and are seen as better equipped to handle relationships with patience and understanding. However, there's a popular stereotype that young women date older men because of "daddy issues." One Reddit user challenged this notion, stating, "I don't have daddy issues, my dad is one of my best friends. He taught me that men should treat women with respect, listen, and appreciate them. I just don't see that in men under 40." For some women, love is about stability, deep conversations, and emotional support, not the youthful excitement often associated with younger partners. Though dating older men has its perks, such as financial security and emotional maturity, it also comes with challenges. Age gaps can create power imbalances, with older men potentially dominating the relationship. Some younger women feel patronized or struggle with being judged by family and friends. While these relationships have their challenges, healthy dynamics are possible. Open communication, mutual respect, and equality in the relationship are key. The power dynamic must be balanced to avoid one partner feeling unfairly treated or dismissed. But does this matter anymore when it comes to younger women going into relationships? It is a generation where matters of sex are treated casually. The fear of unwanted pregnancy - once a primary driver of condom use - has diminished among Gen Z. With increased access to emergency contraception and long-acting reversible contraceptives, many young adults view pregnancy as a manageable risk. Cindy, a 22-year-old college student, explains, "If something goes wrong, I know I can get Plan B. It's not ideal, but it feels like a safety net. Plus, a lot of my friends are on birth control anyway." The 2023 Comprehensive Agency Report on Condoms and Lubricants corroborates this attitude, with only 35 per cent of Gen Z respondents listing pregnancy prevention as a "very important" reason for using condoms, compared to 72 per cent of Millennials and 81 per cent of Gen X respondents. Ironically, the rise of casual sex culture-facilitated by dating apps and changing social norms-hasn't led to increased condom use. Instead, it seems to have normalised a more cavalier attitude towards sexual health. According to the report, released in May 2024, several factors contribute to Gen Z's casual approach to condom use: Diminished fear of HIV/Aids, reduced pregnancy concerns with increased access to emergency contraception and long-acting reversible contraceptives (LARCs), many young adults view pregnancy as a manageable risk. There's a notion that men are primarily responsible for providing condoms. This creates a problematic situation, especially for young women in informal settlements who may lack information or access to protection. More young women are turning to other forms of contraception, such as injectable contraceptives, rather than relying on condoms. However, this shift doesn't protect against STIs. Indeed, the report indicates that only 23 per cent of Gen Z respondents consider HIV a "very serious" concern when engaging in casual sex, compared to 89 per cent of Gen X respondents and 67 per cent of Millennials. An interesting perspective suggests that young people getting into serious relationships or marriages earlier might contribute to decreased condom use. As one participant notes, "When you're married, you don't use protection." So, who are younger men dating? Isaac Kibet, a young man, attributes his single status to the "high-maintenance nature" of many women his age. He mentions a meme that jokes about young men not being able to afford women's expensive skincare routines, suggesting that women prefer older men because they have the financial means. Interestingly, some young men are attracted to older women for the same reasons young women are drawn to older men-maturity, companionship and financial stability. However, older men like Charles Ndung'u argue that young men should focus on achieving their own success rather than relying on older women for financial support. And many young people prioritize personal growth and stability over societal expectations, with an emphasis on love, comfort and emotional connection over the pressure to marry. Maryann Anyango says; "I would like to get married, but I want it to be on my terms-comfortably and without the societal pressure of overworking or childbearing." Meanwhile, Natasha Khalif, another Gen Z, prefers to focus on her children rather than commit to a lifelong partnership. "I'm not ready to commit to someone until death," she says. Marriage for Gen Z is no longer a societal expectation but a personal choice. Many prefer financial and career stability before considering marriage, while others are open to flexible relationship structures, such as cohabitation.

Mubaba time: Embracing cross generational love

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