Hello man, the internet won't up your bedroom antics, lose the pot!

Last week, I came upon an article with a rather sizzling headline - “Viagra sells out in most pharmacies in Kenya.” This headline coming a few days before Valentine's Day, seemed to give the impression that our men were expecting to be rewarded for all their romantic efforts with a fair helping of conjugal returns.

The headline was declared as ‘fake news’ but if you ask many honest men and women they will tell you the male performance problem is more pervasive than we care to admit.

Many men from this part of the world like to strut their stuff and make outlandish claims about sexual performance being in their genes. It gets worse among men of a certain age bracket who believe that non-performance only belongs to retirees and pensioners. 

Others balk at the thought of non-performance as they say that melanin and performance enhancing aids and substances can never go hand in hand.

This article points to some home truths that women have known all along and which we must share with you today.

To start with, it is time men abandoned the idea that melanin coloured men were all created with a magic formula for earth shattering performance.

While tales of yore about the Mandingos and the havoc they caused in the past might point to legendary performances, such myths no longer hold true.

It might be true that our men might have been created to perform but over time they have allowed themselves to morph into pale shadows of their former selves. The male girth is a clear sign of how far down our men have fallen - if in doubt compare what we have today and Shaka Zulu’s abs.

A random survey this part of the world will point to you that over half the men of legally performing age have girths that render performance impossible and in some cases near fatal. Thanks to consuming fast food and eating copious amounts of meat, our men have now become proud owners of massive pots which come in all manner of shapes - pointed, rounded and oblong.

The basic laws of bio-physics and bio-kinetics tell us that that kind of body mass when positioned atop a certain vital conjugal appendage is bound to lead to serious performance issues. Any forays into the pleasure world with a partner with a massive girth instills real fears of heart attacks or suffocation.

Natural male performance

Let us not forget the obvious fact that conjugal activities already come with rather unsightly facial contortions and one can understand why many women do not want to add the fear of death on the job to their list of worries. The rise and evolution of the Kenyan male tumbo is to blame for waning bedroom performances though from the look of things, pharmacies are reaping big rewards.

The issue of natural male performance can be also be blamed just like all things on the economy. It is a tough time being a man in this country where every man is expected to stand firm (and erect) despite challenges that abound.

Despite all the things women say about empowerment, they often will not drop their guard and their pants for a man who does not drop more than a few coins.

It is just not the women who expect so much from the man; he is also expected to be the perfect son (who pays for all his parents’ whims), the perfect boy (who buys his crew endless rounds of fine liquor) and the perfect employee (who shows up in the latest fuel guzzler and decked in the last fashion).

Thrown in the issues of our national debt and you can be sure that all these layers of expectations from all corners cause immense pressure to the dude which hinders his ability to rise to the occasion at the drop of the hat.

The sure way to get around this is to invest in a few pills that are bound to give the necessary kick. The internet has also not been good to our men because it creates rather unrealistic expectations. The tax man should consider coming up with an adult’s entertainment tax because many Kenyans find their phones to be a useful source of conjugal information. 

A basic research will tell you that those actors with (names like Rock and the Bull) are super performance machines who leave their partners gasping for air at the end of it all (usually after many hours).  These men want to borrow a leaf (or to outdo) the Internet studs in the bedroom. This calls for help packaged in the form of the blue pills.

So Kenyan men, we are on to you - we know you are popping those pills and we really wish you didn’t.

We wish you would lose the pots, lose the obsession to become pornstars in the bedroom and let things flow organically.

- [email protected]

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