10 things you are bound to find in a woman’s bag

You may have seen city women carrying those huge bags - mostly on Fridays -when planning to spend a night away from their SQs in Eastlands.  Those bags, so huge they could fit a whole kitchen plus a small bedroom, are what have become known as ‘fornication bags’. As the name suggests, they are for sleeping over.

Here are the 10 things you are likely to find in these bags:

1. Lipstick... but which lip?

So what if there’ no jamaa to warm your bed this cold season. Some of those colourful designer lipsticks are actually just dildos. These battery sex soldiers require no emotional attachment, but satisfy all desires as you dive into a world of fantasy.

2. Lubricating baby oil

Baby oil is good for the skin as well as dryness down there when the craving strikes for the dude, but you’re struggling to ‘jump start’. A little help never hurts... plus the jamaa will never tell the difference!

3. Nduma and ngwaci

Many are the times when the only edible food item in a guy’s fridge (after being chips fungwad) is a tiny, wrinkled, discoloured carrot, which has been the sole occupant before party nominations started. So, when hunger pangs strike, that packet of noodles, which by the way works and cooks better than ugali and re-energises, comes in handy after five minutes in the microwave. It’s also not unusual to find ngwaci or nduma wrapped in a clear juala inside the fornication bag.

4. Holy herb

Some women carry the ‘holy herb’ (bangi) as cops hardly search for such items in their bags, while others - mostly those in college - carry weed cookies which can relieve menstrual pain and give you that Rasta vibe. Weed can also enhance bedroom appetite plus it doesn’t hurt that you can eat it as a snack!

5. Spoons and forks

This is common among career women stuck in eight-to-five office jobs with alpha males who lose office utensils every time they visit the kitchen. No woman can ruin her manicure by eating with bare hands. What is more, forks can be used as weapons.

6. Screwdriver

Since not all us can get a hold of fancy self-defence weapons like pepper sprays, a good old screwdriver comes in handy. Trust me, you don’t want to mess with a woman with synthetic hair and a screwdriver as a weapon charging at you. You have no idea how the heat from the hair has messed up her thinking.

 7. Pati pati

One day, Wambui was in Ngara, combing through cheap colourful mitumba heels. No sooner had she put her left foot inside a nice shoe, when she spotted a Kanjo. Lo and behold, Wambui had to take off with one bare foot and one in her old shoes. The blue slippers in her handbag saved the day despite having had to bear walking back to the office in an official suit and slippers. 

8. Super glue and tissue

Women need not call 999 over a broken nail or heel when super glue can do the trick. Truth is, every single hour, they are exposed to reasons for using the super glue or tissue when you take them to those dingy sheebens with a lot of alcohol, but no tissue in the toilet. 

 9. Rubber

There is no way a fornication bag cannot have condoms and please, don’t ask her why they’re neither in a pack of threes, nor of the same brand, scent or colour!

10. The pill

Now, now, don’t act surprised. I didn’t pull out my ‘fornication bag’ ‘coz I was going to have tea with the queen! We all know I had bad intentions that have repercussions. And since I was a scout, I always follow the motto, ‘Be Prepared!’ That is why men should note that there are no accidental pregnancies!