Cousin Barry wouldn't have suffered humiliation if he sought our support

Our cousin Barry should consult us and save himself aibu ndogo ndogo (little embarrassments) like losing control of the Senate to the Grand Old Party (GOP) in this week's elections.

The Republicans are likely to tighten things so that our cousin Barry's last two years in office are turned into a veritable nightmare.

We have a personal interest in this matter; cousin Barry will not be able to make a trip to his dala (homeland) as he promised he would early in the year. And if he did, that would be used to propagate the fiction surrounding his birth, and what would drive the last nail in Democrats' coffin. Either way, things are pretty grim for our cousin.

I am persuaded that we are able and willing to guarantee favourable election outcomes in any jurisdiction. First off, it is possible to slow things down where it is anticipated GOP enjoys the greatest support. Gangs can be organised at minimal effort to intimidate voters and generally cause a nuisance.

The other method is to disable capacity to handle voters quickly through system manipulation. Again, we have enough techies to manoeuvre such things. But I think what would benefit cousin Barry immensely is by exporting voters. There are many in our midst who would be willing to travel to the US to vote for cousin Barry.

But those are things we don't say too loudly and our cousin should have known that by now. But if he insists on managing home affairs by remote control, then this is not the last time he is facing such humiliations.