Roll like a godpapa

By Smitta

Kenya, and especially Nai, has a lottta wanna-bees. I’ve noticed this in me last five as a show-biz wolf, yuppies who wanna overwhelm with cheddar, n kittens who think they’re the creamski on the cat’s whiskers. Thaz why those speed-dates n other hook-up gizmos ne’er work … Kenyan miros try ta deliver KOs of status, n Quo, in braggadacio ‘Knock Out’ blows, instead of just keepin’ it simple n lettin’ the funnies (or whatever else you got goan 4 ya) shine thru …

Wrong is right! After we eaten, or gotten a lil’ statski in life, we wanna burp n show oddas how rounder our bummers have gotten. Thaz why we may be da only peeps in the world who walk around with tooth-picks after lunch at the City Market as a symbol of "Nimesosi na mangaku ka udaku ya ngamia." Shagsmodoski.

But if you are gonna be a Baller, then here are Twenny Rules I picked up rolling with me homie Papa Ahmed de odder day …

Wad O’ cherry

Ain’t no point complainin’ dat tis tha third weekend of Febski, n dat why you ain’t got moola in tha socket. Papa, when we’re going out, packs a wad. ‘Maasais’ he calls this shilling spears, n throws em at tha lions of bills coming our way.

Beamer

Or any other spiffed up wheel will suffice. I like my whip, the ‘Clearly Ash’ named after Smirff sloganski n our broad Ash. But Papa’s silver Beamer is so harsh it makes me trick look like a mkoks-on-wheels.

Bling

These dayz, unless ya name is Lil’ Wayne, big bling just ain’t in (and I just don’t get those horridly coloured eye frames bila lenses sh**), although crunk grills are acceptable. Xcept wen ya kiss ya chick, you rip her lips ta shreds if you’se awkward! But to be a baller, ya need a great thin chain and a plat-num time keeper danglin’…

Ateshakeski

There’s Divino’s, Atesha (the Ethiop place, like Dass West wit tha Tigists) n The Cellar. Those are tha three closest places rollers should be at near tao. Oh, while we were deya wid Papa, we met Laura Walubesh n Sheila Kwamboka out on a date. I like dem gals –- holders of dual passports, Kenya n the land o Lesbia, whose capital city is a c(o)unty!

House Bar

If you are gonna be a baller, you gotta have some sorta pub-like facility in the hao, complete wid vodoski, whiskey, brandy, sambuca n tequila taw entertain the likes o Smitten. Papa’s place even has a Smirnoff ‘milk’ machine… Ata baller’s, you should feel as at home as in pub-ski.

Shoe room:

Wen ya are a roller, the next thing you need is not peeps’ dirty viatus streaking their dirtniks all over ya Persian rugs. So, whaddya do? If ya Papa, you builds a shoe room, call it ‘Marcos’ n let all da Imeldas leave their hooves there.

Guest Room

As I spin dis storo, tis a hot day in Nai-jackery, n all dat I can think of is the swatch (or a fast 4ward to the after-work swallowski). Watt I mean is, if u still can’t spare a room in ya digs as a spare 4 stray brothers, yarr no roller. You dig?

Game Room

Summa us grew up playin’ jackal like ‘kalongs’ n ‘dush feya.’ It’s not fair dat kids these dayz are on PS wid ‘Grand auto theft’ n shifts like dat. The spectrum isn’t palaptable. But if you’re a high roller, like God Papa, you gotta have a ‘Game Room.’ N I ain’t talkin’ old fashioned kabulznit like ‘Scrabble’ n Monopoly. I’m vibin high-taser video gamin.’

Chief Chefs

House-mboys n mbochez are for holloi polloi with tois, or else deviant teenskis in a rush to ‘giveitup anythimeuwanth’, rexona n all dat jacket goan down like Mussolini. Dawgs like Godpapa have got men like Hassan who not only is ya domestic man, he’s a chef — makin’ Chinese meals like Who Jin-Tao on hashish n pilau.

Music Kollexion

If uwanna make a showbiz impression, pliz begin withcha musik collexion. Like me homie, Slaughter, Papa Ahmed has an awesome collection — from old skool VoK shizzle like "Ata wewe ndugu, amka kumekucha" to chakacha-ka, to new hard rock like me homeboyz KORN. No big zizki collexion, yain’t berllin …

VIP gate crasher

U shd be able to get into any bash you pliz, no problem. Wid Papa, we crashed da former ‘Bar Code’ in Westie 4 a US b-day gal, nit only were there no shidz with Papa, he even got the main B-day gal n her mob to do the ’96 ‘Macarena’ shuffle, even Ellen Beanstalk, US press culture attachÈ.

Groupski

Which high roller don’t have entourage of admirin’ groupers. There waz ebony KatZo n Ivory Leila. N 4 real prestige, you get the eccentric poetess, Eudia K, to keep em in check. N mated. All ya entourage must visibly be awed.

Red tape

As a baller, yu must know the sortsa folkskis who stand out frrm the crowd. At ‘Red Tape,’ we found ID twins Sheila n Sharon, tha Newbies, n catched em drinks. If u r ballin,’ then talkin’ to stand-outs like these reads high on the CV.

Diamond Cards

Dey are not a hustlerett’e best friends. They are a baller’s best connexions, n they are linked like elektrik wires on a doomed man’s scalp. If ya roll, ya must know all dem diamond cards (club owners n managers) from lil Lua at ‘Red Tape’ ta Big Murungaru of shadyski Kutwa in Madaraka.

Annan de caravan

A roller muss be able to ‘make tha peace’ between ‘celebrities,’ the way mzee Koffi had coffee with Raira, then a rock bun (queen cake) with the Baks, n by the tyme Annan went back, peace was in the izzo. So I waz impressed dat Papa could compel DJ Pinye to shake konos wid me, for da first tyme in 5 years. Me hatchets r buried, till me hackles are raised a –whooo-ooo- ooo! Styles, sumtymes, really has no styles.

Homeboyz tha ish!

Guys like Papa don’t deal wid shady ‘Shirandulla’ like outfits. They deal n wheel wid da big wheels like Homeboyz. Now, men, these Rabar rads recently swang five M for rooj development. N bought HaHa water from da Chinks for chinky like 100 meter to turn dat H2o to mo monie.

Big celebz from elsewhere chill out at ya funga lango ave. Papa Ahmed, when he’s NYC-ing, digs in at Montell Jordan’s digs. N wen Montell is in Dubai, he stays at Godpapa’s. Ahmed is da kinda roller if I tole him I needed accomo nxt tyme I hit Montreal, 4 real he’d have a buddy there, eben in Madrid!

Dubai, not dubious

In two oh-five, twas Papa Ahmed who took Nameless, Wahu n Prezzo over to Dubai to do a weekend party for his radio ‘tashion, airfare na hoteli taken care of. Nameless cost Sh80,000 then, Wahu was just fifty ngwanyez while CMB Prezzo cost fifty fae grand, - but insisted on taking his cheddar in dollars – for a grand toto of $800. Since then, Wahu’s outside askin’ rate has tripled to $ 2,000 per foreign show, Nameless’s ‘chips funga’ rate has stayed the same... n Prezzo would give ya fifty thao if you gave him a show, heh heh.

Down 2 earth

Now here is the one quality we love in our stars — whether it was Em-oh-one boastin’ dat he was ‘humbo’ or Jua Cali carryin’ on as ‘msee wa mtaa.’ I have a ‘gon-ve-shon’ to make like Mourinho, modesty ain’t one-a me weak points (tho I also loathe braggadocios for da simple reason dat if you got it, you ne’er needta flaunt it. Thaz why rockers are so much cooler than hip-hop crunkers. A rocker wid a chopper will stick in his thin jeans. A rapper with a Maybach will force it, one way or da other, into his darn video). Now, 4 a Godpapa, Ahmed has major humour. He aksed: "Y do some mchikuyus on TV say stuff like ‘mikora milikuwa mitatu’ while waggin’ three fings at tha cam’ra?"

And your final test of Stardom is if Pulse has passed ya as one (the CEO Decree), n if ya me peeps, then you gotten smotten wid a nickname. In Godpapa Ahmed’s case … it’s LORD MACHO.