When to seek help

By Zawadi Lompisha

Our friends Mike and Maggie called us one evening wanting to meet us. The couple had been married for four years and we had attended pre-marital counselling together.

Speaking on the phone, a fraught Mike explained that they were having a disagreement but couldn’t reach a compromise and thus they needed our assistance. We agreed to meet them over the weekend to discuss the matter.

As we prepared to counsel them, my husband and I discussed how important it is for any married couple to always have an avenue to vent out their frustrations.

We had realised that all too often, marriages broke up, not because conflict could not be resolved, but because they waited too long and too late to seek help. Many couples, and especially the men, seem very reluctant to seek counselling because they imagine they can solve their problems without seeking intervention.

"I think we should write a book about the right time for a couple or a spouse to seek a counsellor’s help," my husband suggested. We then paused and considered which instances, in our view, would call for such intervention.

The notion that counselling is only for marriages in deep trouble, those failing apart or those suffering from infidelity, is not true. The truth is, even the best of couples can benefit from the input of counselling to improve their marriage.

Sexual problems

One area that causes a lot of problems is sexual dysfunction — when the couple has a problem with sexual intimacy. This could be the source of a lot of tension between them.

Many husbands are unwilling to seek help, either because of their ego or the notion that they would be admitting a failure on their part. Unfortunately, because of his non-performance, he is likely to take it out on his wife and family in other ways.

A visit to a counsellor will most probably help the couple get to the bottom of the problem. The counsellor could help pick out some unresolved conflict between the two that is the cause of one spouse’s inability to respond well to the other’s sexual overtures. A counsellor could also identify a probable medical condition that is treatable.

A marriage goes through different seasons and a couple that does not recognise this could end up in deep trouble.

A good example is when a couple gets a baby. What is awaited with great anxiety could turn out to big trouble if the spouses do not recognise that the entrance of a new baby is the beginning of a new season.

Other seasons can be the loss of a job by one spouse, illness, and death in the family or anything that changes the couple’s comfort zone.

Seasonal transitions

The change in seasons easily brings in misunderstanding in matters the couple initially seemed to function well as an oiled machine.

Arguments will ensue and so will accusations and counter-accusations.

"Are you treating me like this because I lost my job?" the husband will complain.

"Am I no longer attractive to you?" the wife will cry out as she holds her new baby.

My husband and I agreed that a change in the season in a marriage is another good time to seek help from a counsellor. I once counselled a woman who had become manic-depressive a few weeks after delivering her baby.

She had refused to let her husband in on what was troubling her and instead completely shut him off her life.

She was going through post-natal depression and, together with her husband, I was able to help them realise that this was a new season in their marriage and that what she was going through did happen to some new mothers. I guided the husband on how to support her through this difficult phase.

Infidelity and abuse

Of course where there has been a breach of trust in the marriage, maybe due to a cheating spouse, a counsellor can help in forgiveness, healing and restoration. A counsellor could also help the cheating spouse repent of their ways and walk the straight and narrow.

Physical abuse or indeed any other form of abuse in a marriage will necessitate the input of a counsellor. Most times, it is impossible for the victim to move on with their life healthily after such a horrendous experience without therapy sessions with a counsellor.

Haunted by the past

"Zawadi, I think there is one area of counselling that we should insist each husband and wife should go through." My husband stated.

"Which is that?" I asked.

He explained that each spouse should seek counselling about their history up to the marriage in order to exorcise any ghosts from their past.

"Many problems that couples experience result from things picked up as they were growing up. These could be from how they saw their parents relate or from ideas picked up from people as they interacted with them," he explained.

We agreed that understanding your past and how it has served to shape your idea of the opposite sex, of how a husband or wife should relate and consequently the marriage, could well be the key to reshaping any wrong ideas formed and giving a healthy shot to the marriage.

The role of a counsellor is not to tell the couple what to do, but to help them make their own choices in a difficult matter by being an unbiased third party in the conflict. A couple that does not shy away form admitting they have a problem and seeking help is half way through resolving the problem.