By Smitta

After a hiatus – n thaz not ann’a word for a cactus – thanx to Don Michael Joseph, the Insyder CHAT Awards are back. Even tho’ the bamboocha at Bomas won’t be on.

Awardz are a good thang, esp. amongst the young, coz they give teeniez the psyche ta keep doan watt they’re doan when they do it, o la la.

So, wit a week left to wind down, wind down (wind her up again, Winston) who better than this cat’s meow to speak up n say how miaow-thinks the awardz ta go?

One —Teeniez Male Artist – muzz go to Mejja. Ever since he burst onto the scene wit ‘Kuliendaje,’ he has epic-tomised the travailz of the wasted youth. Yu know the part wen yu’re a young drunk n ideas leap around in ya head like a yoyo, n yu remember da song "Yu used to be my Romeo" as ya mattress rises toward tha ceiling, juzz before yu fling yaself outta bed n stagger like a shifta fa the loo to loop out all tha sh*t yu drank into the bowelz of the porcelain goddess?


No? Ok. Thaz "kuliendaje," n Mejja gets it. Besides, he could do wit the cheddar so dat he getz himself a change of wardrobe. Since our fashionista Crystal abandoned our boy back to his hoodz n jales after dressin’ him in ‘borrowed feathers,’ Mejja gone back to lookin like Barnabas from tha Easter storo. (N by the way, watt was so wrong wit Barnabas askin’ Yesu dat queshon?? Evn me if my butt was swingin’ from a tree at high noon in da wind, n som chap nexta me sed he was ‘Mungu’s Toi,’ I’d go "oi, si thn yu shukisha us from this mti, nkt!").

Two— Gospel artist – Juliani.

By way of penance 4 dat lil crack up theya, heh heh, I wanna give me unequivocal support to the artiste Julianni as gospo artiste of the year.

Not only does he have Christ-like charisma n some heavenly energized performances, the dude’s lines are off the hook. Like wen he sez "siku hizi nadhara pages za Bible" n disses nonsense artistes wit lines like "vichwa zao ziko empty ka church on Monday morning," etc. Cool shizzle.

Comin’ from a ‘Fagan raik I’ ta find Juliani deadly is sayin’ sumzing, trust me. I’m the dude who, till de other day, thought that hip-hype kanisa near Belle Vue waz called ‘Mafuko.’ (Ati Mike Owuor, the senior lingalaist in the ofisi, sezdat soundz, like a nice Zain offer. But we unnerstand Mike; he’s insane, after a nasty Easter bout of eatin’ omena n catchin’ bilharzias).

While still on churchy matters, can the clergy pliz steer clear like hell off our new katiba? It’s yu youthz who’ll live under thiz better document, not some old men who las’ tyme I checked, many o’ their number waz been accused of molestin’ small m-boyz. So be4 Tinga sez it, lemme say "sema ndio to tha new Tibs;" ata kama some churas are sayin’ ‘nyef nyef,’ it will still not stop the bull from drinkin’ H2O, or the mbuta at the bar from swallowin’ vodoski.

Three, on Chat back, I think Avril is top miaow for ‘Teeniez Female Artist.’

She ha-at, she new, she a teenie, she da next big thang, she bright, so why not? Yu always gotsa, as teeniez, ta be thinkin’ of watt happens next in tha industry. N votin’ Avrilski, the April dudette, is an x-cellent bet 4 keepin’ the mojo goan 4ward. Plus I waz impressed at her ‘get the vote’ on ‘social media’ like FB (here, le Smitta begins typin’ fa-aa-ster wit his one finger coz he cannat wayt ta be done, n get on ‘Sura Kitabu’ to insult fellers like S. Musyoka, ha ha ha). As 4 the Baks n ‘Me Space,’ hiyo blog ni yakes, pekes. (Dya remember Dubya once sayin’ "I downloaded it on the internets"? N China is the only country in the world where they’ve even pirated ‘Google’)!!

Four, as for brand new artist, I think t’d be nice ta give dat one up for Marya. Not only did she replace the truly nasty Nasty Thomas as Colonel Mustapha’s side-kick, she a fly chick.

Not only dat, but twas hard to get outta her man’s shadow, n she has. Juzz ask Baby Gangsta, who after singin’ one collabo wit her boo (Abbas) not only gave up on the zizki, she also gave up on the Kubaff – before catchin’ the next boo outta town faster than Collo can rap "nyashinski." Tee hee.


Fifthly, I thot my tee-wee waz spoiled wen I first add Mister Eko Dydda singing in echoes like a mad bat wit a bad stammer, but hoo-rah, I really think his "Nikon a Reason" deserves the ‘teenies’ hottest new track’ CHAT award.

One reason is Dydda’s ‘eko’ style has e’en caught on at slam poetry events (often over-popped wit truly awfool young poets) but if Puff Daddy could change his jina to P.Diddy, why can’t Eko Dydda change his to Ghekko Daddy?

Some questions Elias of ‘Rants n Rave’ wd luv to ask him.

Sixthly, for teeniez, if an FM station is blazin’, isn’t it always Homeboyz?

Okay, I do have a confession ta make. Ever since X-fm rock radio rolled into town, I simply tuned the car radio to 105.5 FM, n thn broke off the dial!!

But I know for many non-rocker teeniez, Homeboyz is they choice of FM, so, ever blazin, evar blazin’, ya luv is so-oo amazing!!

Seventhly, theya possibly can not be a person mo hype on radio than the hype master himself, Weryu Shaffiski, homie extraordinaire. Throw in Kalekye, the big mama herself, n other than no other aftie-eve show can keep up wit the ‘Rush Hour.’ N why is it called ‘rush hour’ wen traffo is always ever so slo? (da Sha will luv dat queshon).

As for Maina Kageni n dat ‘prank’ he played on April Fool’s ati ‘Shs 1.2 M salo,’ thaz not a prank, yu mogekoyo, ho ho ho. I kno thaz ya ‘wet fantasy’ (imma juzz getting’ back at cha for not lettin’ me know Bono waz in da house wen he waz, bro).

Eight but not too late, for best veejay n muzik show, imma gonna give it up for Veejay Kaytrixx n ‘Str8Up,’ (‘sasa Ressianski?’) evn tho Terro oughta know I haven’t let it go how she muzzed me at Smirnoff ‘gogo-thail’ – although I might let go if she sings 4 me Amani’s song "tonite I’m lettin’ go go go" in a Barnabas X-fixion thong. Ho ho ho.


Nine, there is only one real HOT act in East Afrika – outside of joints like Apple Bees n Libidos – n that is Blu 3. How Nameless managed to get thru a whole video wit them galz without weepin’ is still a mystery like da Vinci code – evn ter the Kamonski.

If Gilette launched a new Blu 3 blade wit these chickas from UG, it wouldn’t give a clean cut .. it would give a hot burn. Waaa- aaat?!

Ten, finally-or let juzz give all the CHAT awards to Makmende, plus Bomas of Kenya, so he can keep his cows there.