Depression has no face, it shows up and steals your joy

Jane Mikwa, 40, is a wife and mother of two girls; Jayda and Joella. She shares on her struggle with post-partum depression.

I am a stay-at-home mother at the moment but I am a Human Resources professional. My pregnancy with youngest daughter was not easy.

I had placenta previa, a condition in which a baby‘s placenta partially or totally covers the mother‘s cervix. Due to the heavy bleeding that can sometimes come with the condition, my doctor prescribed bed rest for four and a half months.

In June last year, at 38 weeks, I went to hospital to give birth. I delivered through a caesarean section. This was on a Thursday morning, the following day I was okay and looking forward to be discharged. On Saturday night, at around 10pm, I started feeling awkward - I was suddenly gripped with fear. I developed a sudden fear for the baby, I felt angry and irritable and couldn‘t wait to leave the hospital the following day when I was to be discharged.

Fortunately, the nurses quickly picked it up and they assured me that what was happening to me happens to others. I later learnt that I was going through a bad case of Post-Partum Depression (PPD).

My husband and doctor were called, by then I had started getting hysterical. I was full of fear of hurting the baby but the nurses were always on standby and took the baby to the nursery especially when I became hysterical.

I went from bad to worse and every minute my mind was filled with fear that never went away. I couldn‘t understand what was happening to me. The drugs sometimes knocked me out and when I woke up, I went through the same torture again.

I was put on two anti-psychotic medications but the situation didn‘t change.

The depressive mood continued for a while and even after I was discharged, all I wanted was to stay in bed. I had to see a psychologist every two weeks.

For four months, the symptoms were intense. If I wasn‘t crying, I felt confused and lost all the time. I couldn‘t make simple decisions such as taking a shower or not.

Fortunately, for five straight weeks, my husband was home most of the time so he took care of the family. I felt like I was a prisoner of sorts, sometimes I couldn‘t even be left alone.

I was on medication for one year and this is something I would never wish for anyone.

The antidepressants also can have really bad side effects and sometimes I felt empty and lost. I lost my self-esteem but I have put that in the past now.

There is a shame that comes with PPD and at times I would struggle with what to say to people as mental health issues are not so openly discussed in our society.

My older daughter was also affected and her dad had to repeatedly explain to her why I was sad and sometimes not in a position to be with her when she needed me.

I came off the medication in August this year and I am glad I don‘t have to be on drugs to feel whole again.

Experts say PPD has triggers, mine could have been the placenta previa. I wish someone mentioned about PPD during my antenatal clinics, maybe I could have been at a better position to deal with it.

Mothers should be prepared for such occurrences during prenatal clinics. We should also openly talk about it as it can happen to any mum out there.