Wacky celebrities and raunchy one-liners

By Tony Ngare

Ask the celebrities about how to make the quickest and the wackiest headlines in no time. While it is common knowledge that the celebrities are ‘air-heads’ with the gift of jabs, trust them to come up with the funniest and silliest things to say. Everything a celebrity does, eats, wears, sleeps or speaks is declared news and soon grows into controversy.

They say that scandals breed controversies, which in turn generate publicity. Once you have achieved publicity, that’s your ultimate price in show biz. Queen of pop Madonna made headlines when she said, "When I get on my knees, it isn’t to pray."

Now, a new book, Naughty Wit brings together similar one-liners from the stars on love, romance and sex. This is the stuff to make you laugh your head off. Sample: "Women need a reason to have sex. Men just need a place." -— Actor Billy Crystal.

"Sleeping with actresses who have fake tits is like massaging rocks."– Actor Colin Farrell

"There’s still plenty of lead in this pencil but I only write to one person now." — Singer Rod Stewart "Love’s the only four-letter word I don’t use during sex." — Comic Frank Skinner

"Scientists have discovered a food that reduces a woman’s sex drive by 99 per cent. Wedding cake."

Comedian Jim Davidson

"Women might be able to fake orgasms but men fake whole relationships." — Actress Sharon Stone "I believe in love and marriage but not necessarily with the same person." — Actor John Travolta

"Love is two minutes and 52 seconds of squishing noises." — Sex Pistols star John Lydon

"God gave us a brain and a penis, but only enough blood to run one of them at a time." — Actor Robin Williams

"If I’m reincarnated I want to come back as Matt Damon’s underwear." — Pop star Boy George

"When you are in a relationship it’s better to be with somebody who has an affair than somebody who doesn’t flush the toilet." — Actress Uma Thurman

"I believe that sex is one of the most beautiful and wholesome things that money can buy." — Actor Steve Martin

Round of drinks

"Today, the Los Angeles Times accused Arnold Schwarzenegger of groping six women. I’m telling you, this guy is presidential material." — Comedian David Letterman "For our anniversary I took my wife to the pub. She told me I should buy something for the house so I did — a round of drinks." — Late comic Benny Hill

"I’m a modern man so I have no problem buying tampons. Unfortunately women don’t consider them a proper present." — Comedian Jimmy Carr

"Did you hear about the man who mixed up his Viagra with his constipation pills? He didn’t know if he was coming or going." — Humorist Ted Fitzpatrick

"Sex is a conversation carried out by other means. If you get on well out of bed, half the problems of bed are solved."— Actor Peter Ustinov